


I'll See You In My Dreams

by Moxies_World09



Category: Kirk/Spock - Fandom, Star Trek, Star Trek: Mirror Universe, Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-13
Updated: 2016-04-09
Packaged: 2018-04-04 07:09:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 21,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4129254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moxies_World09/pseuds/Moxies_World09
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Originally my piece Wish You Were Here was going to be titled I'll See You In My Dreams but while I was writing Wish You Were Here my fiancé had on that particularly AWESOME Pink Floyd album and I decided that Wish You Were Here was the more fitting title.  But, I'll See You In My Dreams was too good a title not to write something for and this piece had been knocking around in my head for a while.  So... here it is.<br/>This is a small piece that takes place between Spock's death in the Wrath of Khan and The Search for Spock.  Sort of a what if but on a bigger scale.  Hope you all enjoy it!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Twilight Sings A Song

Kirk was on the bridge of the Enterprise playing an awful game of cat and mouse with an enemy vessel. In front of him sat Sulu and Chekov. Both skilled at their stations, Chekov was barely out of Starfleet Academy.

            The enemy vessel uncloaked and fired directly at the Enterprise. “Hard to starboard Mr. Sulu,” he commanded.

            The ship turned violently to the right however the missile sought the ship causing a jolt upon impact that threw the entire crew out of their seats. Kirk pulled himself back up into his chair, jammed his finger into the comm button and stammered, “Scotty, damage report.”

            “The shields cannot take another hit like that captain,” Scotty replied.

            Just then the enemy ship fired again and the torpedo was aimed clearly at the center of the ship. When it hit, part of the bridge exploded, a piece of shrapnel striking Kirk in the head. As the rest of the crew darted to the turbolift he ordered Scotty to switch to auxiliary control as he struggled from his chair.

            A cut on his forehead bled profusely, obscuring his vision. His head pounded as he struggled toward the lift. He was unsure if he’d make it until strong hands grabbed him, slipping Kirk’s arm over his shoulder and raising him to his feet. He gripped the blue velour of the science tunic as he was led to safety. The deep voice assured him, “You will be all right.”

            As his head felt like it was exploding he was encircled by familiar arms. He buried his face in the warm shoulder and muttered, “Spock, I need you. Don’t leave me.”

            “I need you too,” Spock replied and held him tighter as parts of the ship ruptured around them. “I will not leave you.”

            Kirk woke in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, his heart pounding. Shaken from the nightmare he rolled over and grasped for Spock only to find he was alone. For just a moment he was confused but then he remembered the battle with Khan, the U.S.S. Reliant and worst of all, the radiation chamber. His heart sank and tears came to his eyes.

            After a brief trip to the bathroom he returned to bed and looked at Spock’s pillow. The pillow still smelled heavily of the scent of Vulcan soap and shampoo. Kirk grabbed the pillow and held it close breathing deeply of the essence of his lost love. He wasn’t sure how he’d ever done without Spock, nor was he sure he ever could.

            Barely six hours earlier, Kirk stood in the engine room.

            “Admiral, the decontamination process is complete,” Scotty explained.

            Kirk drew in a deep breath, “Then open the door. Let’s get him out of there.”

            Admiral Kirk had ordered the engineering department be cleared. The only people who remained were a handful of engineers along with Dr. McCoy and Dr. Chapel who stood by with a sickbay cart ready.

            Grimly Montgomery Scott approached the door to the radiation chamber. Behind the clear revolving door lay the lifeless body of the man Admiral Kirk had vowed many years ago to spend his life with. Scotty took in a deep breath and pressed the button to open the door. As the door opened the lifeless form fell to the deck with a thud.

            Dr. McCoy looked up at Dr. Chapel. “Help me get him on the cart.”

            Kirk stepped up to the radiation chamber, his eyes full of tears. “Please, allow me.”

            Dr. McCoy and Dr. Chapel looked at each other before Dr. McCoy agreed, “All right.”

            Kirk bent down to the lifeless body of his love. Kirk slipped his arms around Spock’s shoulders while Dr. McCoy grabbed his legs. As the pair lifted him onto the cart Kirk whispered into a pointed ear, “It’s okay Spock, I’ve got you.”

            Once Spock was placed on the cart Kirk stroked his bangs briefly before Dr. Chapel covered him with a sickbay sheet. Grimly he walked alongside the cart as it was wheeled to sickbay. It was no secret who was being taken to sickbay for the last time. Several crewmembers who passed by did what they could to hide their grief and distress. Hands were wrung together, bottom lips were bit, and faces turned away.

            After their arrival in sickbay Dr. McCoy removed the sickbay sheet before he and Dr. Chapel hoisted Spock from the cart to the exam table. McCoy looked up at Jim sadly and explained, “I’m sorry Jim but you know Starfleet requires a full autopsy and pathology report.”

            “I understand,” he nodded. “Bones, if you don’t mind, would you give me a few minutes.”

            “Of course, take all the time you need.” He quietly stepped out of the room.

            In the privacy of the empty room Kirk gazed over Spock’s lifeless form. His face and hands covered in radiation burns that must have been excruciating. Given that Spock had walked into the glass and had clearly feigned eye contact the radiation must have blinded him as well.

            “I should have climbed into that radiation chamber and died with you,” Kirk grumbled. He ran his fingers over Spock’s upswept eyebrows and pointed ears. He carefully picked up Spock’s burned hand and held it to his face before he dropped his head on his motionless chest. With no one else around he started crying uncontrollably.

            Outside the room in the corridor Dr. McCoy paced nervously by the door. It wasn’t until Scotty came by to ask about Kirk that Dr. McCoy grumbled, “I’ve got to get him out of there.”

            With a lot of compassion and convincing, Dr. McCoy and Scotty managed to get Kirk to leave the sickbay. With an effort Kirk reluctantly covered Spock’s face with the sickbay sheet and walk away from what remained of the man he’d pledged to spend his life with.


	2. Lonely Days Are Long

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A special shout out to missBAMF who got me started here and came up with the idea for the Altririans.

The overhead light blinded him as he struggled to open his eyes. His head throbbed from the explosion and his forehead stung from the regenerative bandages. Familiar fingers stroked his face as his vision came into focus. Spock sat on the edge of the bed surveying him, his blue tunic still dirty from the attack.

“Jim,” Spock whispered. “You are injured but you will be all right.

“Spock. What happened?”

“The ship was attacked and the bridge has been destroyed. You were badly injured. We will be returning to space dock for repairs.”

“Casualties?”

“None so far. We managed to defeat them before they could disable the ship. I surmise the purpose of the attack was to eliminate the commanding officer and the high ranking subordinates.”

Although he could hide his emotions well Kirk could tell Spock was shaken from the attack. The concern for his love was clearly evident on his face as his brown eyes studied his face for signs of discomfort. Spock leaned closer to him and took his hand.

Kirk groaned, “My head is killing me.”

“A piece of shrapnel struck your head but the injury was minor. You will survive, Jim.” With his free hand Spock cupped Kirk’s face with his hand. “You must survive.”

Kirk reached up and touched Spock’s face. Instead of withdrawing, Spock nuzzled into the touch. “Spock, pulling me out of the bridge could have gotten you killed.”

“I could not allow you to die. I would not.”

The two gazed deeply into each other’s eyes before Spock leaned over and gently kissed his cheek. He carefully laid his head on his chest. “Jim, you must live.”

As he awoke alone in his quarters he let out a sigh. It was difficult having to wake to the reality that Spock was gone but he admitted to himself it had been a sweet dream.

Luckily Bones had ordered him off duty for a week. The first and second day he barely left his quarters and when he did he fielded a lot of condolences from the crew. Later on in the evening while Kirk sat alone in his quarters his door chime sounded. He muttered, “Come.”

Slowly Dr. McCoy stepped in and whispered, “Mind if I come in?”

“Sure, have a seat Bones,” Kirk replied.

Dr. McCoy stepped in and sat down opposite Kirk. Kirk asked, “How’s the ship?”

“Scotty is working to get the damages from the attack repaired. We have a landing party on the genesis planet gathering data. Sulu is leading them. The U.S.S Grissom will be here in a week or so for a more thorough scientific investigation.”

“One of the better science ships.” Kirk nodded. “I understand Saavik and David have requested reassignment to the Grissom.”

“They both have, they’re both remarkable individuals.” He paused. “Look Jim, I figured I’d bring you back Spock’s uniform. In case you wanted to lay him to rest in it.”

“Thank you Bones.” Kirk took the uniform from him and examined it carefully. He grinned briefly remembering how resplendent he looked in that uniform. He folded it carefully and placed it on the table beside him. “I was going to put him in one of his Vulcan robes.”

“Jim, how have you been doing?”

He shook his head.

“I’m so sorry Jim. If we could have…”

Kirk raised his hand. “Forget it Bones, I know you would have done something if you could. Half of me wishes I’d have climbed into the chamber and died with him. The other half knows that Spock died so the rest of us could live. I shouldn’t undermine or negate his sacrifice. Don’t get the wrong idea Bones. It’s not easy. I’d do anything to be able to hold him and touch him, to hear his voice.” He covered his face and tried to keep himself from crying.

“Jim, if you need anything at all…”

He nodded, “Thank you. I’ve considered going down to the officer’s lounge. I’ve barely left this room. Maybe it’s about time I did.”

“If you don’t mind, I think I’ll join you.”

They both got up and Kirk put his coat back on. As they walked to the officer’s lounge he added, “I haven’t asked how the crew is doing.”

“The entire crew is stunned and sad. There are some who are having a very hard time with it but everybody is functional.”

Kirk looked at him questioning.

Bones elaborated, “I won’t lie to you. I’ve been having a hard time with it, and the rest of the bridge crew from our first five year mission. All the crap I put Spock through and he died so I could live.”

“He was an honorable man.”

“Scotty has also been struggling with the loss of his nephew.”

Kirk nodded. “I should talk to him about that.”

When they arrived in the officer’s lounge Uhura and Scotty were already there. Uhura sat in the middle of the room with Spock’s Vulcan lyre in her arms. The lounge was uncharacteristically quiet and subdued. Kirk and Bones each got a drink and sat down with the other officers.

Immediately Uhura gently asked, “Admiral, how have you been doing?”

“I’m having a very hard time with it but for now I’m all right. The past two nights I’ve had a dream about him. We were on our first five year mission when the Altririans fired on the bridge.”

Uhura smiled gently and wiped a tear from her eye. “I’ll never forget that either. You were injured so badly Spock nearly had to drag you off the bridge. All of us were lucky to have gotten out alive. It was such a clean shot.”

“It took us weeks to repair.” Kirk looked at Scotty and asked, “Scotty, how have you been doing with the loss of Preston?”

“I’m just taking it one day at a time. My sister and brother in law and their three other kids are struggling with it. It wasn’t easy losing their child.”

Kirk swallowed hard. “I can’t imagine what they must be going through. I’ll speak to them personally when we get back to earth.”

“Thank you Admiral.”

“Your nephew manned his post when everyone else ran. Spock…” He sighed. “He climbed right into that radiation chamber knowing he wasn’t coming out. They both showed indescribable bravery.”

Mr. Scott raised his glass. “To those we’ve lost.”

Dr. McCoy and Kirk raised their glasses with him. After they had all tossed back their drinks they turned their attention to Uhura who gently plucked at the strings of the lyre.

Uhura looked at the lyre before guiltily looking at Kirk. “Oh Admiral, I’m so sorry. If you want it back…”

“It’s all right Uhura, you can hold onto it for now. He did teach you how to play it after all. I can’t keep everything that belonged to Spock.”

“Thank you.”

Scotty turned to Uhura and asked, “Lieutenant, since you’re the best musician we’ve got I don’t suppose you’d mind singing a tune for those we’ve lost?”

“Not at all, Scotty. I think I know just the song.” With Spock’s lyre Uhura sang and old standard about love and loss.

 

Lonely days are long

Twilight sings a song

All the happiness that used to be

Soon my eyes will close

Soon I’ll find repose

And in dreams you’re always near to me

 

I’ll see you in my dreams

Hold you in my dreams

Someone took you right out of my arms

Still I feel the thrill of your charms

 

Lips that once were mine

Tender eyes that shine

They will light my way tonight

I’ll see you in my dreams

 

Lips that once were mine

Tender eyes that shine

They will light my lonely way tonight

I’ll see you in my dreams

 

Kirk smiled and added, “That was lovely Uhura. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome Admiral,” Uhura replied.

“I agree, it’s no wonder Spock taught you how to play that thing,” Scotty added. “I’m sure my sister will be dreaming about my nephew all the time.”

Just then the comm whistle went off followed by the words, “Transporter room to Commander Scott.”

Scotty used the communicator on his wrist to answer the call. “Scott here.”

Lt. Rand’s voice came through the communicator. “Commander, we’re having a problem beaming up the landing party.”

Scotty’s eyes widened with fear. “I’m on my way.”

Scotty jumped up and jettisoned down to the transporter room with Kirk and McCoy close behind. Upon their arrival Lt. Rand and Lt. Commander Kyle stood behind the transporter panel with their hands on the controls. Both looked at the platform paralyzed with fear.

Lt. Rand gasped, “I think we’ve lost them.”

Kirk, McCoy and Scotty looked at the transporter panel to see nothing more than a perpetual glitter of the beam. Scotty got behind the panel and manipulated the controls in an attempt to rectify the problem. “You haven’t lost them. Not yet,” Scotty explained. “But you will soon if you don’t act fast.”

Scotty worked the controls like a trauma physician desperately trying to save a swiftly dying patient. Finally the indeterminable glitter in the middle of the platform began to take the shape of humanoid figures.

Scotty sighed, “They’ve still got their configurations. We need to act quickly.”

Lt. Commander Kyle cut in, “How many people were there in the landing party?”

“Three sir,” Lt. Rand explained. “Commander Sulu, the geologist, and the chemist.”

“Then why do we have four beaming up?”

Everyone looked at the transporter platform, wide eyed. Although the sparkle of the beam obscured their identities there were four distinct figures materializing on the platform. Finally the figures from the transporter beam gave way to the scientists who had beamed to the planet surface, all alive and well.”

Plus one.

Sulu and the two scientists at first appraised their surrounding before balking at their unfamiliar uniforms. Behind them, completely unfazed by the phenomenon, stood their commanding officer, Spock of the I.S.S. Enterprise.

Like 15 years earlier Spock had a beard, however he wore a red peacoat with a black sash around the waist. Unlike theirs his was made of silk, closed in the opposite direction, and lacked the white band over the shoulder. The point of the lapel on his coat was fastened with a large gold Maltese cross indicating his rank as a Fleet Admiral. Like fifteen years ago he wore a black silk undershirt that closed like a kimono. A gold braid on his left arm was adorned with the same gold pips and squeaks used to indicate years of service.

He raised an eyebrow and stated, “It would appear the transversal phenomenon involving the transporter beam has occurred again.” He turned to the three others, folded his hands behind his back and explained, “Due to a transporter malfunction we have been beamed into an alternate universe. It is a reoccurrence of the incident fifteen years ago. You will obey my orders and not interfere with the operations of this ship.”

Sulu protested, “Spock, didn’t you only have minutes to…”

“We will discuss that later.” Spock stepped off the transporter platform and approached everyone at the transporter panel. He asked, “Would I be correct in assuming we are aboard the U.S.S. Enterprise?”

Nobody answered, everybody at the transporter panel stood mouths agape. Quickly Spock realized they all stared at him alone, shocked. He noticed the tears streaming down Kirk’s face and he looked at him with muted astonishment. Spock raised an eyebrow. Recognizing him as the Captain he had encountered after an ion storm fifteen years ago he asked, “Jim, are you all right?”

Kirk just stared at him blankly and covered his mouth before he sputtered, “I have to get out of here.” He fled the transporter room.

Spock watched astonished. As soon as Kirk left the transporter room Scotty broke the silence with, “It looks like the door between universes is thin for now. But it’s not thin enough that I could beam you back.”

“Then I surmise both of our ships will have to contend with the absence of us, for now. If I am not mistaken, you are the same Montgomery Scott I encountered the last time this phenomenon occurred.”

“Oh I’m the same Montgomery Scott from fifteen years ago. If I’m not mistaken, we’ve got a limited amount of time to get you back to your universe. I suppose we’ll find the four of you some accommodations while we work on reversing this.”

“If you will allow me to access the ships computers, I will find a way to get us back to our universe.”

Scotty nodded. “I’ll show the four of you to the guest quarters. But if any of you plan on leaving the quarters I’d prefer you tell me first. I’m in temporary command of this vessel.”

“Understood.” The others began to protest but Spock raised his hand and silenced them with, “You will do as I say and allow Commander Scott to show us to the guest quarters.” He glared at his shipmates before turned back to Scott. “I can assure you, there will be no trouble.”

“Thank you,” he swallowed hard. “Mr. Spock. Right this way gentlemen.”

Spock walked alongside Scotty, hands folded behind his back in the same stately posture everyone had come to associate with their fallen comrade. Behind him Sulu followed closely with the other two scientists. As they passed through the corridors Spock noticed that everyone he passed by went pale and quiet at the sight of him.

When they arrived at the guest quarters Scotty explained, “If you need anything at all, let the yeoman know. I’ll talk to the science department about getting you back where you belong and I’ll let you know what they say. If you want to assist the efforts…”

“I have already agreed we will assist in the efforts provided your science department would agree to work with us. I can assure you, we will make no trouble,” Spock replied.

“I’ll have a word with them right away.” Scotty returned to the science department leaving them alone in the guest quarters.

Meanwhile down in the sickbay Admiral Kirk returned to the side of his beloved, if only to make sure he wasn’t sucked into the other universe.


	3. Soon I'll Find Repose

An hour and a half later the science department had been briefed on what had happened and reluctantly agreed to work with the four scientists. The following morning they began an exhaustive effort to return them to their universe.

Although they were cooperative and productive the four didn’t fit in seamlessly with the U.S.S Enterprise’s science department. Their undisciplined ways at times proved difficult leaving Spock to reign in their behaviors with tighter control.

What made everything more difficult was how everyone who came into contact with Spock acted around him. At best they were quiet and subdued as if they’d witnessed something impossible. He tried to speak to Admiral Kirk only to be quickly dismissed and avoided.

At the end of the day they had managed to find a way to beam back into their universe using the transporters however it would be impossible for another three days. Until then they would just have to wait.

Spock stood in the corner of the guest quarters, deep in thought with his arms folded in front of him. When Sulu noticed he asked, “So what about you Spock? You mad that you didn’t get back in time to…”

“I have accepted what has happened and what transversal into this universe has cost me." Spock paused. "There is something disquieting about the conduct of the crewmen of this ship when I am present. They fail to make eye contact with me, and in my presence they are reserved, listless and subdued. The Kirk of this universe has shown open avoidance of me.”

“Maybe the ‘you’ in this universe broke his heart. Probably thought his talents were better suited elsewhere.”

“I do not believe that to be the case.”

“Maybe you should ask the good doctor.”

“Your suggestion may be a logical one. Like our Leonard McCoy, he has a plenitude of human weakness and may be willing to cooperate given the proper circumstances.” He turned toward his ship mates. “I may request a thorough physical for all of us. It may provide me with an opportunity to speak to him. He is the only physician who is knowledgeable regarding my hybrid physiology and so he will be unable to avoid me.”

“Do what you need to. If they have any female MDs I’ll know what I want.”

“Please suppress your appetites for a more appropriate time.” Spock went to the comm unit on the wall and hailed Scotty. Upon getting a reply he explained, “Commander, my crew have experienced some ill effects possibly from the transversal. I believe we all require a physical examination.”

“Understood sir, I’ll let the sickbay know you’re coming, Scott out,” Scotty agreed.

Spock raised an eyebrow before leading his crewmen to the sickbay. The sickbay was exactly like the one they were accustomed to with the exception that this medical team acted with caring and compassion.

Dr. McCoy looked at Spock and bit his lip. “Just take your coat off and get on the table.”

Spock removed his coat and climbed up on the table. Although Dr. McCoy was willing to examine Spock he steadfastly avoided eye contact with him.

Dr. McCoy waved the tricorder over him and quietly asked, “What kind of symptoms have you been experiencing since the transversal?”

“Upon entering this universe I experienced some lightheadedness,” Spock explained. “My subordinates have complained of feeling unwell. They have not disclosed specific symptoms.”

Dr. McCoy put down the tricorder and palpated Spock’s stomach and chest for anything out of the ordinary. “Nothing seems to be wrong with you. I can’t account for the lightheadedness, but of course not much is known about universe transversal or its effects.”

“May I ask you a question, Doctor?”

“You may.”

“Since our arrival in this universe the crewmembers of the Enterprise have acted most illogically. When in my presence they refuse to make eye contact with me and your Admiral seems to be deliberately avoiding me. Is there a reason for their conduct?”

Dr. McCoy swallowed hard. “We’re a battle weary crew, Spock.”

He looked at him with a shade of doubt. “May I remind you, that when we last met I was able to access what was on your mind without cooperation from you? However, I do not require a mind meld to establish you are not being honest.”

“Well Spock, I don’t know what else you want me to tell you.”

Just then Admiral Kirk walked in asking, “Bones, I’ve got a headache. Could you…” He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Spock lying on the table.

Spock sat up slightly and looked at Kirk. When Kirk met eyes with him he froze before he sputtered, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were busy.” He darted out of the room toward the back of the sickbay.

Spock got up and retrieved his coat. “If you will not answer me honestly, perhaps the Admiral will be more forthcoming.” He slipped his coat on as he walked toward the back of the sickbay, following the direction he had seen Admiral Kirk going in.

Before Spock could reach the back of the sickbay Dr. McCoy caught up with him and shouted, “Spock, don’t go in there.”

The second Spock strode into the room in the back of the sickbay he froze at the sight that met him. Before him on the table lay the dead body of his double, covered up to his shoulders with one of the sickbay sheets.

He stepped up to the table slowly, looking over the lifeless form. Upon noticing the radiation burns on his face he looked up at Admiral Kirk, who stood beside the table. “Admiral, what happened to him?”

For the first time Admiral Kirk looked him in the eye and explained, “He died saving the ship. Khan Noonien Singh triggered a device that would have destroyed everything around it. The Enterprise was too badly damaged to get out of the way and he climbed into the radiation chamber to repair the warp drive. We all would have died if not for him.”

Spock looked at the burned face and wondered if he would be able to do the same thing given the circumstances. “Khan Noonien Singh is a name I have not heard in over fifteen years.”

“Me either.” He stepped away. “I’m going to return to my quarters now.”

Spock nodded in agreement before Kirk stepped out of the room. After Kirk’s departure Spock looked down at the burned face of his fallen double. He stayed there for several minutes before Dr. McCoy stepped into the room and asked, “Are you okay?”

“I must admit, I was unprepared for this.”

“I don’t know there’s any way you could have been prepared. We half expected him to have disappeared when we saw you arrive in this universe.”

“I believe there is a possibility he was not transported into my universe because he has died. As you know, the transporter beam locks onto life signs. It cannot beam a dead body without the engineers accounting for it.”

“That makes sense. Lucky you weren’t injured during the beaming. Just so you know, all your shipmates are all perfectly healthy.”

“Thank you Doctor, your concern is appreciated. If you will permit me a few minutes.”

Dr. McCoy smiled stiffly. “I’ll be in my office if you need me.”

After Dr. McCoy left, he spent several more minutes staring at the burned face of his fallen double before he covered his face with the sheet and returned to his quarters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you haven't guessed by now this piece came around after I'd read And I Am Also Quite Blind by Aconitum Napellus and I'd seen the Fringe episode Entrada. I'll get the next chapter up shortly. Promise!!!!


	4. Of The Happiness That Used To Be

Spock of the I.S.S. Enterprise wasn’t that much different than the Spock who had climbed into the radiation chamber to save his shipmates. He was a child of two worlds, which in the Empire meant a child of neither. His Father was the General of the Vulcan army who’d sired a child with an Earth woman who found his fancy. As a hybrid he would never be accepted on Earth and would never have any standing in Vulcan society.

Spock had enlisted in the Imperial Starfleet at nineteen because he had no home to speak of and his Vulcan intelligence and strength gave him an advantage over his human peers. Spock’s skill and prowess led him to a position as First Officer of the Empire’s flagship, the Enterprise, under Captain Christopher Pike.

Meanwhile a young Iowa farm boy he’d met in training, James T. Kirk, had ascended to First Officer of the Farragut. James Kirk was a valuable commodity for the Empire. Many of their missions would have failed to turn a profit if not for his ingenuity. As a First Officer he was more prolific, ambitious and ruthless than the Captain he answered to. His ambitions to be the Captain of the flagship led him to assassinate Captain Pike the first opportunity he had.

He built his captaincy on the qualities that got him there, leaving plunder, destruction and mass genocide in his wake. He never cared about anyone a day in his life, never felt for anyone a day in his life, never loved anyone a day in his life.

Until he met Spock.

Spock was a loyal First Officer. Although he was unhappy about the assassination of Christopher Pike he didn’t resent Jim for it. Pike had been way too soft for a starship Captain, let alone Captain of the flagship. Jim was a superior Captain, and he was happy not to have to ascend to the Captaincy himself.

James T. Kirk became the most successful and fearsome man in existence. Yet, after months of working with his half Vulcan First Officer he began to feel strange. His heart would race every time he was near Spock. He developed an overwhelming need to be around Spock, to touch him and keep him safe. At first he thought maybe he was sick or reacting to stress. But then he realized it wasn’t a bad feeling. As time progressed he realized what he was feeling was an emotion he was completely unfamiliar with; love.

James Tiberius Kirk, the most fearsome Captain in the Fleet now wanted nothing else but his own First Officer. Kirk had a long history of getting everything he wanted from everyone, if not out of duty or obligation then out of fear. Although his ambition and cunning served him well during his entire career it would certainly fail with Spock.

When he wasn’t on the bridge formulating battle strategies he was trying to figure out how he should approach Spock. In spite of all his accomplishments he couldn’t formulate a viable strategy to win Spock’s affections. Kirk convinced Spock to join him for dinner followed by a game of chess every evening. If he couldn’t calculate a way to win the half Vulcan’s heart he would settle for being his close friend. Every night, he looked into the dark eyes and wished, yearned for his affection.

When Kirk feared he would never find a way to win Spock’s affections he was granted a twist of fate. The trouble began when he noticed Spock was becoming increasingly irritable and wasn’t eating. When Spock didn’t show up for his shift one day he feared the worst and took his guards to search for him.

Kirk found Spock in his quarters with two Vulcan guards watching out for him. When Kirk went into the room Spock was in bed, his eyes wild with panic while his body was racked with painful spasms. Believing Spock to be sick he employed a skill he possessed but had rarely in his life used, gentleness.

After sitting up in bed Spock explained that he was experiencing a quirk of Vulcan biology known as Pon Farr. He had to take a mate or die and given that he was unwanted on Vulcan he had no arrangement for a bondmate. With none of his subordinates willing to help him he accepted the fate he was damned to, and only seemed to regret the trouble his death would cause Kirk.

The idea of losing Spock was unbearable for Kirk. He was aware that if he didn’t admit how he was feeling he wouldn’t have an opportunity for much longer. He admitted to Spock that he was in love with him and only after a mind meld did Spock stop doubting his sincerity. For the first time Kirk leaned toward Spock and gently kissed his lips. His carefully slipped his arms around the sick Vulcan and held him close. The touch lit his veins on fire leaving him unsure how he’d ever done without Spock.

It began when Kirk allowed Spock to resolve his Vulcan nature with him. In time Spock got to know a side of James T. Kirk that no one except him was aware even existed. The terrifying conqueror was also a loyal and protective mate and a generous and passionate lover. Kirk would destroy an entire solar system before he’d let anyone hurt Spock. Spock was equally protective and passionate toward him. Both were known for pursuing their ends with great intensity. With each other being the subject of that intensity the sex was glorious.

It wasn’t long before Kirk formed a permanent bond with Spock. No one in the Empire ever imagined Kirk to be the kind of man to settle for one partner, but love was a powerful thing. He never desired for anyone else as long as he had Spock. Kirk insisted that 1,000 men couldn’t tear him away from him.

It only took one.

Out of his entire time in the service of the Empire, it was one week that would stand out in Kirk’s memory for the rest of his life. All the trouble started when the Enterprise came across a 20th century sleeper ship in uncharted space.

Thinking the contents of the ship could prove profitable they boarded the defunct ship. Amazingly the crew was still alive in a state of suspended animation. Little information was available about them. The fact that they had been preserved in suspended animation suggested they were of some value. Kirk thought nothing of reviving them thinking maybe he could glean some information that might be useful for later missions.

The commanding officer of the sleeper ship turned out to be none other than Khan Noonien Singh, a genetically engineered superhuman who was the result of the eugenics war. Khan had overtaken three quarters of the world before the Empire discovered him to be uncontrollable and sent him into space with his superhuman followers.

Khan disappeared from all records and collective memory until Captain Kirk discovered him two hundred years later. With his superior intellect he sought to overtake the Enterprise and conquer the universe.

When he couldn’t overtake the Enterprise Khan sought to destroy it and the crew by sabotaging the engines. With the engines compromised, phaser fire in the engineering department would be disastrous. With no alternatives they filled the engineering department with nerve gas in an attempt to render Khan unconscious.

When the nerve gas proved to be ineffective against Khan’s superior physiology Spock knew there was only one way to stop him. He took a dagger and went down to engineering. Khan didn’t know anything about Vulcans. Expecting Spock to be no stronger than a human he charged him without calculating first. Khan was caught off guard by Spock’s Vulcan strength but he voraciously tried to gain the upper hand. Khan managed to pull a dagger from his belt and plunge it into Spock’s abdomen.

Upon feeling the blade pierce him, with his very last effort Spock reached up and snapped Khan’s neck. As Khan’s body hit the deck the dagger remained in his grasp until his hand hit the floor.

Struggling for breath, Spock managed to stumble to the comm unit on the wall to summon sickbay as his green blood saturated the front of his uniform. Had Spock been a human the wound would have been nothing more than a deep flesh wound. As it was, Spock’s circulatory system was different than that of a human, and the single puncture had severed a major artery.

Lt. Sulu alerted Captain Kirk of the medical emergency reported in engineering. Kirk ran down to engineering as fast as he could, arriving before the medical team could. When he arrived Spock lay passed out in front of the comm unit, his blood pooling underneath him.

When Kirk saw Spock lying in his own blood he panicked and darted to his side. He gently gathered Spock into his arms and desperately pressed his hand to the wound trying to stop the bleeding. He knew just from the amount of blood he’d lost that this could be a fatal injury. Spock’s skin was clammy and his breathing was labored and agonized, but he managed to open his eyes.

“Spock, can you hold on a little bit longer? Bones is on the way,” Kirk pleaded.

Spock gazed at him before he raised his hand to Kirk’s face. He placed his fingers in the meld position and whispered one single word, “Remember.” The meld lasted almost thirty seconds before their connection flared and went dead. Spock slipped away, his face resting in the curve of Kirk’s neck.

As soon as Spock drew his last breath Kirk clutched him close and started crying uncontrollably. When the medical team arrived seconds later they practically had to tear Kirk off of Spock for an exhaustive but futile attempt at resuscitation.

Half an hour later Spock and Khan both lie in sickbay while downstairs the engineering department was cleaned and the engineers returned to duty. James T. Kirk was known for being the scourge of the explored galaxy, the most ruthless man in existence. Now he had lost the only person he had ever loved and cherished.

This made him unspeakably dangerous.

Kirk carefully ran his fingers over Spock's ears and face. Eventually his hand traveled down to the location of a Vulcan heart. Where he usually felt animated beating there was only lifelessness. He looked over the body of his deceased love and the body of the man who had killed him. He glared up at Dr. McCoy and growled, “I want his entire crew executed. As painfully as possible. I don’t care what it takes.”

Dr. McCoy nodded and replied, “I’ll relay that order to Scotty.”

Scotty received the order and immediately sent Khan’s crew back to their ship. He disabled their fire suppression system and beamed aboard an incendiary device meant for starting camp fires. Khan’s ship burned, and with the life support systems still functioning everybody aboard burned to death. The ship was left dead in space.

Oddly enough in the hours that followed Kirk began to feel strange. Although he was alone with Spock he couldn’t shake the notion that he was being watched. He we also burdened by a feeling that Spock still needed him to do something but he didn’t know what. These feelings were accompanied by random thoughts and conclusions that sounded more like something that would have come from Spock.

Kirk was still in sickbay with Spock hours later when one of the Vulcan guards, a young man named Surin, stepped in. As the young Vulcan approached Spock’s body Kirk jumped up and growled, “Don’t touch him.”

Surin looked at Kirk and asked, “Did he meld with you before he died?”

“Yes he did, why the hell does it matter?”

Surin stepped up to Kirk and although met with some resistance, he melded with Kirk. Afterward he stepped back and stated, “Get the doctor, we must act quickly.”

Kirk looked up at him strangely, but he summoned the Doctor before asking, “What the hell do you need Dr. McCoy for? Spock is dead.”

Surin didn’t answer but as soon as Dr. McCoy stepped back in the room he grumbled, “What the hell is going on? Don’t you pointed eared hobgoblins know the difference between dead and alive?”

“Spock has attempted a little known Vulcan way of cheating death,” Surin explained. “He has transferred his katra, everything that is not of his body to you, Kirk. If his injury can be repaired and we return him to Vulcan, the Masters of Mt. Seleya may be able to restore him. General Sarek should be able to arrange it.”

Kirk looked at McCoy searching. “Can you fix him?”

“Now that I won’t have to race to repair the artery before he bleeds to death, it’s a simple matter of opening him up and regenerating the severed artery,” Dr. McCoy explained. “I’ll get right on it.”

Kirk ran back to the bridge and plotted a course for Vulcan. He contacted Sarek who coerced the Masters of Mt. Seleya to return Spock’s katra to his body. Sarek resented his son for being half human but he refused to allow anyone to harm anything that was his.

No sooner did they arrive at Vulcan, Kirk and the body of Spock were taken from the ship to the monastery at Mt. Seleya. Immediately they began the ritual of fal tor pan, the process of returning a katra to the body, which hadn’t been attempted in centuries.

Sixteen hours later the process was complete, Spock had been restored, and Kirk was left with a massive headache. He was beamed back aboard the Enterprise immediately where he went back to his quarters. Spock remained briefly on Vulcan.

At the end of the day Dr. McCoy called Kirk down to sickbay. When he arrived Dr. McCoy awaited him along with Surin. Dr. McCoy explained, “He’s still very anemic and dehydrated which is not at all surprising given that he died of blood loss. I’m giving him a transfusion and some fluids. He going to need another transfusion and more fluids but once that’s done I can release him to quarters.”

Kirk sighed in relief. “What about his mind?”

“His memory, intelligence and personality should be unharmed,” Surin explained. “The fal tor pan was a success.”

“Where is he?”

“He’s in the back right outside my office,” Dr. McCoy explained.

Kirk pushed past McCoy and darted to the back of the sickbay. He found Spock asleep in the bed right outside McCoy’s office. He was wearing a soft white Vulcan robe with his left arm hooked up to an IV. Above him hung a liter of saline and a green transfusion.

Kirk quietly approached the bed and studied Spock’s face. The bearded features seemed very peaceful and at ease. Spock’s skin was clean and dry and his breathing was calm and steady. Kirk considered stroking his hair but didn’t want to wake him. He nearly broke down and cried at the sight.

When Kirk gently touched Spock’s forearm making sure not to wake him, he found him cold to the touch. He ordered the yeoman to bring him the blanket from their quarters. As soon as the yeoman returned with it he covered Spock the way he knew he liked to be covered, and relaxed back in a chair, holding his right hand.

Kirk wasn’t familiar with feelings of vindication, elation, resolve, gratitude, or second chances. But he felt all those things upon seeing Spock restored to life. Nobody ever loses somebody only to get them back. It was as if Khan had never existed and they had never found that damned ship.

Kirk nodded off in the chair and woke up at around 0700 ship’s time to the sound of Spock’s raspy voice. As soon as he opened his eyes and found Spock awake his heart jumped. He jumped up and gasped, “Spock.”

“Jim,” he gasped. He looked around confused.

“You were injured very badly but you’re in sickbay now. You lost a lot of blood but you’re going to be all right.” When Spock still looked confused Kirk asked, “What’s the last thing you remember?”

“I remember being in engineering… The ship…” His eyes widened.

“Is out of danger. You saved the ship… and the entire crew.”

They gazed deeply into each other’s eyes before Kirk carefully climbed into bed with him, never letting go of his hand. He kissed the back of his hand before leaning towards his lips for a gentle kiss.

Sure enough Spock needed another transfusion and more fluids. But as he recovered from the fal tor pan Spock noticed Kirk had changed. The man who had taken so many lives in his career for the first time had experienced what it was to lose. He lost the ability to force upon other people what had been done to him. Others would never have the second chance he had.

Once Spock returned to duty they both found that diplomacy could be more profitable than war. With their combined abilities they were able to overthrow the Empire and usher in a new era of prosperity and peace.

After being pulled out of his own universe Spock, who had been killed by Khan fifteen years earlier, was burdened with questions. He wondered if fal tor pan existed in this universe and if it did, did his clean shaven double have the opportunity to meld with someone before he died?

Spock wanted to believe that his double had melded with someone before he died, saving his consciousness. Had somebody else been hosting his mind they would have felt the effects of it by now. Nobody aboard the ship exhibited any of these symptoms and logically he knew it was unlikely. But having met his own bondmate’s double, it pained him to think that man would never see his Spock again.

Facing a similar dilemma himself, he knew he’d have to address the problem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I took a lot of liberties with this chapter but a lot of people take a lot of liberties in this fandom. I'm sorry about the formatting but I have to cut and paste from Microsoft Office 2010. Hope you all enjoyed it and like always read, rate, review!!!


	5. Still I Feel The Thrill Of Your Charms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A big shout out to missBAMF and her fic How We Operate with this chapter. Hope you all enjoy it and like always read, rate, review.

The cell Spock was held in was dark and damp and there were no light sources or anyway for natural light to get in. Even his Vulcan eyesight and hearing afforded him no advantage. Days earlier he’d been captured by a group of rogues who were trying to extort portable wealth from the Empire.

With him in this hell were several of his students; new recruits from parts of the galaxy all desperate for their chance to fight for their Empire. They were all kept chained to the floor, unable to stand or even sit up completely. Their captors had brutalized them, but as their commanding officer Spock got the worst of it.

The pain from the shackles was easier to bear than the cold. In the past twenty four hours he’d been raped, beaten, electrocuted, doused with a high pressure water hose and burned in a gang of savages’ attempt to extort information from him. But he was a Vulcan, he would never break.

Spock heard off in the distance the sounds of shouting along with aggressive commotion growing closer. Before long the door of the cell burst open and blinding light poured in. As he shielded his eyes from the light several men charged in. One of them shouted, “We’ve found them!”

Sure enough the cell filled with Enterprise security guards who cleared the room of any of their captors. Once the dust settled none other than Captain Kirk followed them. Immediately he ran up to Spock with his phaser.

He got down on his knees and looked over Spock and the chains that bound him. “Spock, if I ever let you go anywhere without your personal guards again make sure to beat the hell out of me.”

“There will be no cause for that. This has been a sufficient reminder as to why I have personal guards,” Spock explained.

Kirk used his phaser to cut the shackles from Spock. The other security guards followed suit, using their phasers to free the students from their confines.

Kirk asked, “Do you need Bones?”

“I will require medical attention but I can walk.” Spock stood and stretched his legs as soon as he could. His body was sore from all he’d endured and he limped badly.

As soon as they could Kirk, Spock and all the students fled the cell in search of the starship captain who’d commanded the rogues. After an exhaustive search one of the Enterprise’s guards found who they were looking for.

Kirk didn’t waste any time to approach the short portly man and aim his phaser at him. He quickly cowered, pleading for his life and the lives of the crew he commanded. For a moment Kirk relented although he never lowered his phaser.

Unsure of whether to execute him on the spot or perhaps extend him mercy and have the bastard tried, Kirk surveyed all of Spock’s students who’d been held hostage. So many of them had cuts that would need to be tended to, bruises in various stages of severity, and worse; the leavings of the crew who’d physically held them hostage.

Last but not least Kirk met eyes with Spock. The love of his life who this man’s crew had tortured and sated themselves on relentlessly during their captivity. With a curt nod, Spock approved his next move.

Kirk’s eyes darted back toward the captain, “You kidnapped my husband and his trainees, you tortured them, sated yourselves on them over and over again. You showed no mercy toward them and I sure as hell am not going to show any to you.”

Kirk fired his phaser at the head of the captain, lighting his whole body on fire. He turned and ran back to Spock throwing his arm over his shoulder as he commanded Scotty to beam them back aboard. No sooner were they back aboard their ship Kirk ordered a phaser barrage destroying the ship and devastating the planet below. There was no place for mercy with rogues like them.

As soon as they had two minutes alone before he headed to sickbay Kirk turned to his love and gently kissed his cheek, “I was so worried when you and those kids went missing.”

Spock held onto him tightly and replied, “I am grateful you were so exhaustive in your search.”

“Anything for you. I’ll never let anything happen to you again.”

Spock awoke in the guest cabin of the U.S.S. Enterprise having left the lights at 20% from the night before. Sulu and the two scientists sat at the table playing a card game. When they noticed he was awake Sulu mockingly asked, “Dreaming about Jim again?”

Spock sat up and sternly ordered, “You will under no circumstances involve my husband in any of your attempts at humor.”

Sulu went pale. “I’m sorry Spock I should never have... I didn’t mean to…”

“Spare me your apologies, it is irrelevant.”

One of the other scientists asked, “How are you dealing with that?”

“My regret for my Jim will not solve our problem any faster. I will cope with what has happened in my own time once we are back in our universe.”

“Spock, maybe once you check in with the science department today you should talk to the Admiral. It might do you and him some good.”

“Your suggestion is logical.” Spock stood up and pulled his boots and coat back on. Once he was dressed he went back to the science department.

It took another eight hours of his time but at the end of the day he personally walked his calculations down to Scotty in the engineering department. Scotty compared the calculations to the calibrations on the transporter and tried to devise a setting that would allow them to beam back to their universe.

As Scotty walked through the engineering department checking on the junior engineers he explained to him, “It’ll be another 39 hours but we’ll be able to beam you back into your own universe with no trouble whatsoever.”

“Thank you Commander.” Finally Spock grimly looked at the radiation chamber. Although it had been cleaned of any evidence of what had happened there he couldn’t help but feel uneasy and sick just looking at it. “If you don’t mind I believe I have other matters to attend.”

As soon as Scotty was done with him he slowly, reluctantly started toward the Admiral’s quarters. He was unsure whether or not the admiral wanted to see him or what he should say to him, but he knew avoiding him would only be a mistake.

Kirk sat alone in his quarters, racking his mind trying to think of what he should say at Spock’s funeral. He considered musing on their life together and the kind of man he alone knew Spock to be. He dismissed the idea thinking it would be too personal. He was interrupted by the door chime, when he responded “Come” Spock cautiously stepped in.

“Admiral, forgive me if I am intruding…” Spock began.

He dismissed it with the wave of his hand. “It’s all right Spock. You’re not intruding. Is there anything I can do for you?”

“I have come because I would like to inquire about how you are coping with the loss of your husband. It is difficult for me to surmise that this would be easy for you.”

“I’ve been having a very hard time with it. You know how human lifespans compare to Vulcan lifespans. When I married a Vulcan I never expected to be widowed. I know working in Starfleet has its risks but I dismissed that when we both took teaching positions.”

“A Vulcan lifespan is 2.5 times that of a human.” Spock paused. He looked past Kirk to where Spock’s uniform sat neatly folded on the shelf. Kirk turned and looked at what he was looking at.

Spock continued, “Please do not confuse my objectivity for complacency or lack of empathy. I would like to offer my most sincere condolences, Admiral.”

“Thank you Spock. I appreciate it. I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you. It’s just, it’s hard looking at you because you’re exactly like him with the exception of the beard.”

“My apologies Admiral, if you do not wish to come into contact with me…”

“It’s all right Spock. You don’t have to apologize and you don’t have to avoid me. I haven’t been handling your arrival very well. I just hope you’ll forgive me for the way I’ve been acting.” He wiped a tear from his eye. “Why don’t you have a seat?”

Spock felt a certain sting in seeing a man who looked so much like his own husband in so much distress. “You do not need to ask of my forgiveness. If there is anything I can do, please inform me.”

“Thank you Spock. I told Dr. McCoy that at first I wished I could have died with him. But the last thing he said to was ‘live long, and prosper.’ If I had died it would have undermined the sacrifice he made.”

“You are most logical.”

“Thank you. Not to change the subject, but ever since the Halka mission I’ve wondered about you and how things are in your universe.”

“The interstellar political and economic landscape has improved. Mostly through mine and your counterpart’s intervention. We have diplomacy and interstellar trade, and women are no longer treated as second class citizens. Following encouragement from you that woman you met in my universe, Marlena, has led a large movement of women’s liberation.”

“That is good to hear. After I returned here I felt terrible that Marlena had to stay behind even though she had a counterpart in our universe. I got the impression the only way she could build a career was to seduce the male crewmembers.”

Before the revolution it was not uncommon for people in Starfleet to ascend in rank by seducing the senior officers. Except for myself of course. I ascended based on my merits and refused to grant favor in this method. It only produced incompetent crewmen.”

Kirk smiled. “I can only imagine it would. If you can’t ascend on your merits why should you ascend?”

“Your counterpart ascended to the captaincy by assassination of Captain Pike. He proved however, to be a superior captain.”

“I remember, I looked him up when I was on your ship. You must have had some discontent about Captain Pike.”

“I felt some discontent regarding the death of Captain Pike however I surmised it would only be a matter of time before the Empire would want me to execute him and ascend to the captaincy. I had no desire for the captaincy and so upon Pike’s assassination I found a sense of relief. Kirk was a superior captain, and I would not be expected to execute Pike.”

“You feared becoming a captain would make you a likely target yourself. I don’t doubt your logic. But if your rank insignias are any indication you’re a fleet admiral.”

Spock looked at his lapel pin. “When your counterpart and I led the revolution he felt I was more suited to foster diplomacy than he was. He abdicated an admiral rank in favor of allowing me to replace him. He ascended to the admiralty again and we are both on space duty, however I command the fleet. After centuries of tyranny implementing democracy is not an easy endeavor, but well worthwhile.”

“It really is good to hear that things are getting better in your universe.”

“Why thank you Admiral.”

“My Spock told Dr. McCoy and I that your Kirk and his crew were splendid examples of homo sapiens.”

The corners of Spock’s mouth twitched. “I had an opportunity to observe yourself and your crew while you were in my universe. If I may, you were sublime examples of civilized beings. Something my Jim has aspired to be ever since. Apparently my counterpart had an effect on him.”

Kirk smiled. “He always had an effect on people. There was something human about him that made the people around him want to be better human beings. Myself included.”

“Fascinating. May I inquire in what way?”

“Spock was always very poised and dignified. He never complained about anything a day I knew him, even when he had everything to complain about. One time our ship was damaged in an attack from a Romulan vessel. He risked his life to rescue a navigator who had done nothing but harass and lash out at him for nothing more than being a Vulcan. He made a lot of us rethink the way we lived and handled our affairs.”

Spock raised an eyebrow in recognition.

Kirk continued, “Nobody imagined I would get married or settle down, but I did. You wouldn’t believe the number of one night stands I’ve had. In my early days I pursued sex and put the prospect of love on a backburner.”

“May I submit that part of your problem was you were afraid of loss?”

He looked up at him. “What would make you say that?”

“Your counterpart had the same problem. He was afraid of forming relationships lest he lose the person he was with.”

He rubbed his face. “You’re right. In my early twenties I fell in love with a botanist named Ruth. We were together for two years before she died. Then I fell in love with a woman named Edith and then she died in an accident. I guess I started cutting it short before anything bad could happen. But Spock, he was a Vulcan so I thought…”

“You inferred that due to his superior Vulcan physiology and the lifespan of Vulcans that he would likely outlive you.”

Kirk nodded miserably. “Yes.”

“Your counterpart believed the same. In our Empire before the reformation, war and genocide were common. The James Kirk on our side suffered several losses as a result. He never formed relationships with anyone out of fear they could become another casualty.”

“You’d think I’d know better. On our first five year mission Spock was injured by an old fashioned lead projectile bullet. Bones didn’t know if he was going to live or not. I thought I was going to lose my mind but luckily he pulled through.”

“I too was nearly killed by a lead projectile bullet. Afterward Jim swore to execute anyone who so much as tried to injure me.”

“That’s one way I differ from your Jim. I should have been more protective of him. He saved my life more times than I can count. During our first five year mission I was injured when a race called the Altririans fired on our bridge. We were on their planet trying to…”

“Negotiate admission to your Federation, but the negotiations failed due to the Altririans’ nature.”

“How did you know?”

“In my universe we also made the mistake of believing the Altririans were peaceful and humane. Upon our arrival on the planet surface we were lured into their trap. Their high priest propositioned me and when I refused him he took what he desired regardless of my consent.”

“He raped you?”

Spock frowned. “I do not under normal circumstances discuss the matter with others, but that is essentially correct. Jim was in an adjacent room and when he sensed something was wrong with me he returned, armed. He killed the high priest with a single phaser fire at close range.”

“The same thing happened to my Spock only I grabbed him and ran. They didn’t take kindly to him refusing the high priest. It resulted in a cat and mouse game with them in their solar system. They fired on our bridge hoping to kill the senior officers. I was injured badly and Spock had to pull me out of the bridge.”

“As soon as we were aboard our Enterprise my Jim ordered a phaser barrage on their entire planet. They never had the chance to launch their starships.”

Kirk rubbed his face. “If you don’t mind me asking, how did your Jim deal with Khan Noonien Singh?”

“We resurrected him and his crew but we soon realized the Empire had jettisoned them because they were uncontrollable and dangerous. We destroyed their ship with the entire crew on board.”

“Your Jim certainly had a dubious history but he certainly was decisive. Its… inspiring to find out that you and my counterpart spearheaded a revolution.” Kirk nodded. “If you don’t mind me asking, from what Spock told me of your counterpart, subtlety and asking nicely for what he wanted weren’t his strong suits. How did he approach you at first?”

“Quite carefully, Admiral. When he was able to admit to himself that what he felt for me was love he made an effort to change his hedonistic ways. He began rejecting other lovers and spending more of his time with me. He later told me he had no idea how to approach me until I went into Pon Farr. He took the opportunity to express his feelings and only after I melded with him did I believe his sincerity.”

“My Spock was 35 when his first struck. I ran him back to Vulcan so he could take a wife. Why didn’t your Jim do the same?”

“Since I am half human I had no arrangement on Vulcan. Vulcan males usually experience their first Pon Farr in their early twenties. It was believed I would not experience Pon Farr due to my human half. However it struck when I was 35. Your counterpart took the opportunity to express his affection for me and allowed me to resolve my nature with him.”

“My Spock had a wife but she rejected him in favor of someone else. She asked for the kalifee so she could annul their marriage. He won his match but ultimately rejected her. After his annulled marriage I admitted to him that I loved him.” Kirk grinned at the memory. “In light of the fact that my Spock is gone it’s heartwarming to find out the two of you are together. If your Jim is anything like me he’s probably tearing his hair out wondering where you are.”

Spock bit his lip before he stared at the floor. “Admiral… Jim, I am sorry to add this to your burdens. Just before I was pulled into this universe with my Sulu and the two scientists there was an assassination attempt on my Jim.” Spock’s voice grew hoarse with grief. “Dr. McCoy summoned me back to the Enterprise informing me that my Jim had gone into cardiac arrest and they had lost him. I beamed back aboard but I arrived here.”

All the blood drained from Kirk’s face and his jaw nearly hit the floor. “Spock, I’m so sorry. Do you know who it was?”

“It was a young Lieutenant and his Deltan concubine who opposed the revolution and wanted to restore the pre-revolutionary Empire. His father was a disgraced Captain who beamed down to a planet surface before sending his ship, the Constellation, into a doomsday device with his crew on board. He destroyed the device, and his crew.”

“Will Decker assassinated your Jim?”

Spock nodded. “You are familiar with him?”

“I’m familiar with him and his father, Matt Decker. They both died honorable men in the line of service.” He shook his head and looked up at Spock. “Spock I’m so sorry.”

“Your concern and your condolences are appreciated Admiral. If I may reiterate, I do not think it is easy for you to have me here.”

He wiped a tear from his eye. “Intellectually I know you’re a different person. The beard is a dead giveaway. But it’s difficult because I just watched my husband die and you’re exactly like him. Not just your appearance but the sound of your voice, the way you move and walk and talk. It’s all identical to the man I lost.” He shook his head. “You even smell just like him.”

“To you I will admit, since my arrival I have been suffering with a sense of loss for my Jim. I am also faced with a similar dilemma to yours. Aside from your attire you have no features that distinguish you from my Jim. Seeing you in this amount of distress causes me great pain.”

“I’m so sorry Spock. You know, I’ve been married to your counterpart for so long I’ve come to recognize latent emotions in Vulcans. I can see for myself how much pain you’re in right now and it does hurt me.”

“For the duration of my life with Jim I have wondered how he would react and function were I to predecease him. I believe I have discovered the answer although I was completely unprepared.”

“I could say the same thing about you. I don’t mean to pry but didn’t you ever prepare yourself…”

“As long as I have been married to Jim I have tried to prepare myself for the loss of him. I was not prepared, nor can I bring myself to reconcile with the fact that he was assassinated by someone like Will Decker. For no reason other than to restore terror. I had… hoped he would live to an old age or die gloriously.”

“I understand.”

“If you will forgive me, your Spock died most bravely.”

Kirk smiled stiffly and nodded. “He knew that the radiation was enough to kill a human but he could survive long enough to make the repair. I know that he climbed into that chamber because he knew it was the right thing to do. I shouldn’t doubt his logic.”

Spock raised an eyebrow and nodded.

“Spock, I never asked you how you’ve been doing since you got here. For most humans seeing a version of themselves dead would be traumatic. How have you been since…”

“I had noticed since my arrival that the crew had been acting strangely. When I inquired as to why, they were avoidant of the subject. When I sought you down in sickbay I was following the assumption that you would be more forthcoming. I was completely unprepared when I saw your husband. Since he is another version of me seeing him posthumously was most upsetting, and disconcerting.”

“I’m sorry you had to see that.”

“You have no reason to apologize to me. For anything. If I may reiterate, if you require any assistance from me…”

“Maybe there is something you can do. What exactly do Vulcans do with their decedents?”

“Vulcan tradition states that when a Vulcan dies their spouse or oldest child cleans their face, hair, hands and ears with cold water and Vulcan herbs. They are laid to rest in their meditation robe and tunic. In my universe I own one and I surmise your Spock does too.”

“I know exactly which one. Thank you.” Kirk nodded.

“If you will excuse me, I must oversee the actions of my crew. They are not as civilized as your men.”

Kirk nodded. “I understand.”

As Spock stood up and turned toward the door Kirk explained, “Spock, if you’ve been around humans as much as my husband then you know that humans believe that everyone has an eternal soul that survives their death. I know Vulcans prefer the graspable and the provable, but do you think there’s any chance I’ll see my husband again? One way or another?”

As he stepped out the door Spock replied, “Admiral, there are always possibilities.”


	6. And In Dreams You're Always Near To Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally chapter six! Sorry it took so long, I've just been very busy with school and haven't had the chance. Since the next chapter is already written I won't keep you waiting too long. PROMISE!!
> 
> If you want to consider this chapter and the first chapter like redacted scenes I think they work well as that. Like always read, rate, review!!!

Having nodded off in a chair while reading Admiral Kirk was awakened by the sound of the comm unit. He stood up and shook the drowsiness from his face before answering the call.

“Kirk here.”

“Admiral,” Scotty began. “I thought you’d like to know the corridor between the universes was open for a couple of seconds today. It was just enough for us to beam back one person. The other Mr. Spock ordered it be Sulu.”

“How is our Sulu?”

“Alive and well, completely unharmed. He hasn’t been debriefed yet but he insists he was never in harm’s way and neither are the others.”

“That’s great Scotty.”

“Admiral, the engineering department has been prepared for Mr. Spock’s service. We’re ready whenever you are.”

Kirk hesitated. “Thank you. I’ll let you know as soon as we’re ready. Kirk out.” He covered his mouth with his hand before pressing the button to the comm unit. “Kirk to Sickbay.”

A moment later Dr. McCoy replied, “Sickbay here.”

“Bones I’ll be down in five to ten minutes to take care of Spock. Scotty said engineering is ready whenever we are.”

Dr. McCoy quietly and gently replied, “All right Jim. I’ll see you then.”

“Kirk out.” 

As soon as the call ended Kirk drew in a deep breath and turned toward the closet. Slowly he thumbed through Spock’s clothing until he found what he was looking for. Kirk took out the black Vulcan robe and meditation tunic and carefully studied it.

The last time Kirk had seen Spock wearing the tunic was before the training mission that ultimately turned tragic. Since it had remained in the closet with Spock’s things it still carried his scent. Kirk held the tunic to his face and drew in a deep breath.

A few tears streamed down his face but he knew that right now he had to espouse his strength more than anything. He neatly folded the robe and tunic before gathering the Vulcan herbs Spock had left behind and last but not least, a silk washcloth.

He placed the items in a box and with great effort he went down to Dr. McCoy’s office. As soon as Dr. McCoy saw him he asked, “Are you all right?”

“Depends on what you consider all right. Have you…”

“I read up on Vulcan customs regarding decedents, Saavik helped me with that. Have you thought about what you’re going to say at his service?”

“I can’t come up with anything, so I’m just going to keep it short and improvise. Everyone has to return to duty immediately afterwards so we can’t take very long.”

“Jim, are you sure you’re ready for this?”

“I’m as ready as I’m ever going to be, Bones,” Jim sighed.

Dr. McCoy looked at him, concerned and nodded. “All right. Let’s do this.”

The two men walked slowly to the back of the sickbay. On a table in the back lay the body of Kirk’s beloved, wrapped head to toe in a sickbay sheet. Kirk drew in a deep breath before he reluctantly uncovered Spock’s face.

He bit his lower lip. “Bones, just give me a hand with him.”

He nodded, “All right Jim.”

They removed the sheet and briefly looked Spock over. Luckily there wasn’t even the faintest suggestion of rigor mortice let alone decomposition. Dr. McCoy helped Jim ease Spock into the black Vulcan robe and tunic. As soon as Spock was fully dressed Kirk smoothed out his robes. When his hand slipped over where Spocks's heart was he almost expected to feel it's animated beating only to feel lifelessness. He turned to Dr. McCoy and asked, “Bones, could you give me a minute?” 

“Take all the time you need, Jim. Just let us know when you’re ready.”

Once the room was empty he gently stroked Spock’s hair. Aside from the pallor, and the radiation burns on his hands and face Spock looked like he was asleep. “You got into that chamber knowing you weren’t coming out but you thought the sacrifice wouldn’t be vain or empty. Your selflessness was part of what I loved about you.”

Kirk filled a basin with cold water and added a generous amount of the herbs. He wet the washcloth with the water and gently but thoroughly cleaned Spock’s hands making sure not to cause his skin any more damage. He tried not to imagine how painful it must have been for him to physically handle the warp core. No living being was ever meant to handle that.

Kirk carefully slipped his hand behind Spock neck supporting his head. With his free hand he soaked the cloth and gently dabbed at Spock’s face. He had done this for Spock when he was alive. He had used the same washcloth to cool Spock’s face as the fires of Plak Tow burned through him. In those halcyon days it soothed and comforted him, and it always called forth that subtle smile Spock was only comfortable showing Kirk.

Kirk ran the washcloth along the curves of the paintbrush ears he’d come to love. They were part of what made Spock who he was. Kirk then set the washcloth aside before he caressed the curve of Spock’s ears with his fingers. They were the only part of his face that wasn’t burned.

“Do you have any idea how much you were loved or how much you’re going to be missed? Not just by me but by many others.” Kirk opened the front of his coat and reached into an inner pocket. He retrieved the medal Starfleet had awarded him when he was given command of the Enterprise. Kirk secured it to the inside of Spock’s tunic. “You can have it. Everything I’ve been and everything I am I owe to you anyway.”

Kirk’s eyes filled with tears as he clasped one of Spock’s hands with both of his hands and brought it to his face. He returned Spock’s hand to his side before he leaned over and kissed Spock’s burned cheek before quietly sobbing, “I love you” into an aculeate ear.

When he stood up he straightened out Spock’s bangs before he drew in a deep breath and composed himself. With an effort he turned away and proceeded to Dr. McCoy’s office.

Dr. McCoy sat in his office with Scotty sitting across from him at his desk. When they saw Kirk they both stood up. Scotty gasped, “Admiral.”

“Bones, Scotty,” he nodded.

Scotty looked at him grimly. “Admiral, I’ve got the tube ready for Mr. Spock whenever you’re ready. The three of us can take care of him.”

“Gentlemen, if I’m not imposing I’d prefer that you two take care of this.”

“You don’t want to do this Jim?” Bones asked quietly.

Kirk shook his head, “I’m sorry. I don’t think I could handle it.”

“We understand Admiral,” Scotty replied. “I’ll alert the crew that we’re ready and we’ll meet you downstairs.”

“Thank you. And please be careful with him.” He had to suppress the urge to say ‘don’t hurt him.’

“You don’t have to worry about a thing. We’ll take good care of him.”

“Thank you, I’ll see you downstairs.”

Slowly Kirk made his way to the lower levels of the ship. On his way down he was met with the others from the first five year mission along with Carol Marcus, David and Saavik. As soon as he saw Sulu he pulled him aside and asked, “Sulu are you all right?”

“I am Admiral,” Sulu explained. “The crew from the other universe recognized who we were immediately. They kept us safe until the transporter malfunction could be reversed.”

“Thank you commander, if it wouldn’t be too much would you…” Kirk paused. “Would you handle Spock’s flag? I won’t be able to if I’m conducting the service.”

“Of course Admiral, it would be an honor.”

“Thank you.” Kirk patted him on the shoulder as they proceeded to the engineering department.

Before the crew was assembled Kirk got a good glimpse at the Genesis planet. Since Spock had died he hadn’t really had the chance to get a good look at it. The sight of a newborn planet was nothing short of mesmerizing and inspiring. There was also a suggestion of reassurance that of all places Spock would be laid to rest it was a place that truly was life from death.

Lastly Scotty and Dr. McCoy arrived in the engineering department, Scotty with his bagpipe. The crew assembled and the service began.

As Spock’s tube descended to the deck Kirk began;

 

“We are assembled here today to pay final respects to our honored dead. And yet it should be noted, in the midst of our sorrow, this death takes place in the shadow of new life. The sunrise of a new world, a world our beloved comrade gave his life to protect and nourish. He did not feel this sacrifice a vain or empty one, and we will not debate his profound wisdom at these proceedings. Of my friend I can only say this, of all the souls I have encountered in my travels his was the most,” he drew in a breath. “Human.”

 

Sulu removed the flag from Spock’s tube and as Scotty began to play ‘Amazing Grace’ on his bagpipe Spock was laid to rest in orbit around the newborn planet. Afterward Kirk retrieved Spock’s flag from Sulu and returned to his quarters.

There was some positive after the fact. David managed to make amends with his father and afterward they all gathered on the bridge to marvel at the scientific miracle that was the Genesis planet. For the first time since Spock had passed away Kirk felt like there was some hope after all.

Later on that evening Kirk folded Spock’s flag and put it away with the rest of his things before he nodded off while reading the book Spock had given him for his birthday. He knew he would always miss Spock, but he also entertained the thought of coming back to Genesis.

* * *

Kirk was on the bridge, the Enterprise was in standard orbit around a previously unknown planet. Sulu turned from the helm and explained, “Standard orbit Captain.”

“Very good Mr. Sulu. Maintain orbit at 20,000 feet.” He looked down at his arm to see a green sleeve with a gold Captain’s braid. The kind the Captains of Starfleet wore before they instated those awful gray uniforms that were quickly replaced by the ornate red pea-coats.

Kirk looked around to see he was aboard the bridge during his first five year mission. He was back in his green wrap tunic which had been long since done away with.

He was dreaming, this he was aware of. He was no longer a Captain, but an admiral. The entire Enterprise had been refitted and renovated and so the bridge was bigger and more streamlined…

Astonished, Kirk stood up and looked over his right shoulder. At the science console sat dark hair and pointed ears. “M Class planet. Oxygen Nitrogen atmosphere, capable of sustaining our landing party,” the deep voice announced.

As soon as he heard that voice he grinned widely. Spock had died, he had prepared his body for burial and watched as he was laid to rest on Genesis. But for now he was here, fifteen years younger, at his station alive and well.

Kirk stepped around the red railings and approached the science console. “That’s tremendous Mr. Spock. Any signs of life?”

“Scanners show signs of humanoid life,” Spock explained. He looked up at him warmly.

“Very good.” He watched briefly as Spock worked the panel. He had missed this sight and he knew he would miss it more in days to come. “We’ll assemble a landing party and have a look around. This should prove interesting.”

“Indeed.” Spock agreed with raised eyebrows and a subtle grin both of which indicated enthusiasm. A smile stretched across Kirk’s face.

As soon as Spock was preoccupied with his instruments Kirk slipped one hand around his shoulder before he leaned downward and gently kissed the side of Spock’s head.


	7. Soon My Eyes Will Close

Unbeknownst to the crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise high above the torpedo bay stood Spock of the mirror universe, silently observing the funeral of his counterpart. In spite of his Vulcan discipline overseeing the funeral of another version of himself was upsetting. Not the least bit having to see a man who was so much like his late husband so broken hearted.  
After the tube was jettisoned and the mourners dispersed Spock quietly slipped back to the guest quarters. He contemplated visiting Kirk but quickly dismissed the idea believing he was the last face Kirk would want to see right about now.  
Unable to sublimate or even make sense of the emotions reeling through him, Spock sat quietly in the guest quarters with his fingers to his face. An hour later he was abruptly jerked out of his ruminations when the chemist, Lt. Stevens, approached him and weakly whined, “Admiral.”  
He glared up at the young brown haired man who was straight out of the academy. “Mr. Stevens.”  
“I don’t feel good. I’d like to see the doctor,” he explained.  
Seeing that the young man was feverish and diaphoretic, Spock stood up and pressed his hand to the Lieutenant’s forehead. He was hot to the touch. “Very well. I will accompany you to the sickbay.”  
Making sure to keep a low profile Spock led his officer to the sickbay. Arriving through the back entrance they were quickly attended by Dr. Chapel. Although she was clearly distraught by Spock’s presence she asked, “What seems to be the problem?”  
“My officer is reporting a fever,” Spock explained.  
She had Lt. Stevens stretch out on one of the biobeds for an examination. After a brief scan with the tricorder Dr. Chapel looked at him and explained, “Mr. Stevens, you have a fever of 101F, swollen glands, and an elevated white cell count. My specialization is trauma so I’d like Dr. McCoy to look at you before we decide on a course of treatment.”  
They both nodded in agreement.  
“He’s on the bridge with the Admiral but he’ll be back shortly.”  
“Very well,” Spock confirmed.  
Dr. Chapel left the room to tend to other patients. Less than half an hour later Spock overheard Dr. McCoy’s voice explaining to Dr. Chapel, “Jim’s doing better, or you could say he’s doing as well as can be expected.”  
“We’re all shocked and upset,” Dr. Chapel replied. “When Spock repaired the warp core the engineering department was full of young cadets who had to watch him die.”  
“I know,” Dr. McCoy grumbled. “They’re all practically children.”  
“What about you?”  
“I’m holding up but I may have a drink once I’m done here. Scotty and I are both a little disturbed by the fact that even though Spock’s been gone for days he had no signs of lividity or rigor mortice. Sure he was lifeless, pale, and cold but my God, it was disturbing. Must be his Vulcan physiology.”  
The last comment caught Spock’s attention. Although Vulcan physiology was superior to that of a human, in death Vulcans developed rigor mortice and lividity at the same rate. Given how long his counterpart had been deceased there was no reason lividity and rigor mortice hadn’t set in.  
Except for one.  
Dr. McCoy came bounding into the room. As soon as he saw Spock he swallowed hard before he turned his attention to Lt. Stevens in the bed. “What seems to be the problem?”  
“Lt. Stevens reported a fever,” Spock explained. “I declared it necessary for him to seek medical attention. Dr. Chapel reported a fever of 101F and an elevated white cell count.”  
Dr. McCoy passed the tricorder over Lt. Stevens a couple of times. He drew a small amount of blood from the Lt. before he concluded, “I think I know what it is but I just want to do further analysis to be certain. I’ll be in the lab.”  
Spock asked, “May I request permission to assist in your analysis?”  
Dr. McCoy looked at Spock, and bit his lip before reluctantly replying, “Permission granted. I could use the help since most of the lab crew is in bed.”  
Spock nodded in agreement and followed Dr. McCoy to the lab. Dr. McCoy handed the tricorder to Spock to be connected to the ship’s computer he explained, “I’ve got a feeling your officer picked up Rigelian flu but I want to be certain.”  
“Have you scanned his blood sample for indicators of Rigelian influenza?” Spock asked.  
An impossibly deep and alien voice replied, “Scanning now. Indicators of Rigelian influenza, positive.”  
Spock’s head darted up, his eyes wide. He wasn’t surprised easily, however he knew that voice did not come from Dr. McCoy. “My apologies doctor, what are the results.”  
The voice of the Southern man he was familiar with replied, “Indications positive for Rigelian flu. He must have picked it up from one of the cadets.”  
Spock stared at him, suspiciously. “Recommended course of treatment?”  
Dr. McCoy looked at him warmly, “Just an antipyretic for the fever and an antiviral. He’ll be good as new in an hour or so.”  
Spock nodded. “Very well.”  
Dr. McCoy led him back to the sickbay. He gathered two hyposprays, one an antiviral the other an antipyretic and administered them to the Lieutenant. As soon as he was done administering the hyposprays he added, “You’re up to about 103 now. These’ll have you cleared up in an hour or so but I’d prefer you stay here until the fever has passed.”  
Stevens nodded in agreement. He was lethargic and sweat heavily.  
“I’m turning in, if you need me just have Dr. Chapel call me,” Dr. McCoy explained before he left the room.  
Spock settled into a chair by the bed of his infirm shipmate.  
“Hey Admiral,” Stevens groaned lethargically. “You consider staying here? There’s a Jim in this universe.”  
“Normally I would not tolerate a Lieutenant displaying such little respect for me, or for my husband. However I will dismiss this incident because you are infirm and the fever is causing you to act irrationally.”  
Stevens drew in a breath. “Well would you?”  
“I must return to our universe with you since I am the commander of the entire fleet. However once you have recovered I will require you accompany me to the security department. I must review the shipwide security cameras.”  
“Why?”  
“To test my theory.”  
Spock sat quietly in a chair and allowed the Lieutenant to rest as the medications he’d been given took effect. Slowly and steadily the Lieutenant’s lungs and ariways cleared and the fever in him died.  
As soon as the Lieutenant was back in good health the two of them squirreled down to the Enterprise’s security department. They snuck into the only unmanned corner of the area to the quaternary console of the shipwide security cameras.  
“You expect to get away with this?” Stevens asked.  
“If I must remind you I will,” Spock whispered. “Like our Enterprise, this ship has several security camera consoles. The primary, secondary, and tertiary are manned but the quaternary is not. I have reason to believe my counterpart may have subdued Dr. McCoy and melded with him.”  
“How do you know?”  
Spock looked at him and raised an eyebrow. “Because that is what I would have done. Please alert me if any crewmen are nearby.”  
Spock sat down at the console while Stevens stood next to him. As soon as he tried to access the playback on the security cameras he was faced with a prompt for a password. With no hesitation he typed in the password and was granted access.  
“How do you know the password to this system?” Stevens asked.  
“It was set by Admiral Kirk, and I know him very well,” Spock explained in a low voice.  
Spock sorted through the security camera footage of every department in the ship. Quickly he found the camera feed from the lower level of the engineering deck in front of the radiation chamber. Once he accessed the footage of the day his counterpart had died he slowly began sifting through it.  
After several minutes of accelerated footage Spock managed to find his counterpart walking into the engineering department. He played the camera feed at normal speed until the very minute before he stepped into the radiation chamber. Just a minute before he walked into the radiation chamber he subdued Dr. McCoy with a neck pinch and melded with him.  
To verify what he thought he had seen Spock zoomed in on Spock’s face and hand during the meld and played the audio with it. Sure enough his clean shaven counterpart had melded briefly with the good doctor and whispered, “Remember.”  
“You clever bastard,” Spock whispered. He turned to the chemist. “He melded with McCoy, however the meld was too short for it to be effective. He may be dormant inside the doctor’s mind. That would explain why the doctor is unaware of his presence.”  
“But Admiral, they jettisoned his body! What in hell…”  
“Yes, I am well aware. If his body was destroyed his katra would have recognized it and he would have left his human host. If there is a possibility his katra can be returned to his body it will remain intact inside the mind of his host. I will see to it myself.”  
“But Admiral, even if your double could be retrieved he’s had no pulse, no respirations and no brain activity for days.”  
“His lack of lividity and rigor mortis has been noted days after his death. Had his consciousness been lost his body would have deteriorated at a normal rate. He may still be able to be restored. In the event fal tor pan does not exist in this universe, and there is a possibility it may not, then his consciousness could be deposited in the katric arc of Vulcan.”  
“Is that a real possibility?”  
“Fal tor pan only exists in our universe because Vulcans are willing to defend themselves at all costs. In this universe Vulcans tend to be passive and benevolent. The Masters of Mt. Seleya may no longer exist.” Spock looked back at the security footage. “If there is a possibility I would prefer to give it to him. If you would prefer to return to the guest quarters you may. I have something I must take care of however I will follow shortly.”  
“Do you even know where to find Dr. McCoy?”  
Spock glared at him contemptuously and raised an eyebrow.  
Lt. Stevens understood the silent contempt and relented, “I’ll just go back to the guest quarters.”  
With Lt. Stevens gone Spock reluctantly continued watching the remaining security footage from that cataclysmic day. He watched as his counterpart made the repair to the warp core, only to collapse in the far corner of the radiation chamber moments later, his face and hands badly burned.  
Sure enough moments later Kirk arrived in the engineering department, requiring three men to restrain him lest he try to open the door. In spite of his Vulcan control a single tear fell from Spock’s eye watching the too brief exchange that followed. Not only did it upset him to see another version of himself die, but to see the man who was so much like his late husband so distraught was more difficult than he could have imagined. If this Kirk was anything like his lost love, he would have done anything to save his Spock; or at least to have held him as he slipped away.  
There was only one thing he could do.  
Spock quietly made his way to the higher levels of the ship. As he suspected Dr. McCoy was alone in the officer’s lounge, relaxing on one of the couches with a glass of bourbon on the coffee table in front of him. He wasn’t completely intoxicated yet, however he wasn’t entirely sober. His face was drawn and he rubbed his face in anguish. Surprisingly, and in spite of their differences, Dr. McCoy was grieving the officer he had just buried.  
Spock stealthily made his way into the officers’ lounge, making sure Dr. McCoy wasn’t alerted to his presence. He tiptoed up from behind him and with one hand he pinched his neck while slipping the other hand around Dr. McCoy’s other shoulder. He gently guided the doctor’s unconscious form backward onto the sofa, not allowing him to fall forward into the table.  
Once he was satisfied that Dr. McCoy was unconscious and not at risk of falling, Spock stepped around to the front of the sofa. He put both of his hands on Dr. McCoy’s face and slipped into his mind.  
Thoroughly Spock sifted through Dr. McCoy’s mind. Through knowledge of medicine along with memories going as far back as his childhood in Georgia. He saw all the time Dr. McCoy had spent serving in Starfleet along with his regret for roads not taken.  
Finally deep inside the good doctor’s mind he found what he believed to be a transient consciousness, completely dormant. It took a tremendous effort to connect to the dormant consciousness. When he finally managed to he discovered Vulcan thought patterns, a great deal of memory dominated by Admiral Kirk along with a recent memory of a radiation chamber. He found what he was looking for.  
Spock locked the very last of his thoughts onto the consciousness and spoke one single word aloud. “Awaken.”  
When Spock withdrew from the meld he was slightly dizzy from the depth of it. He didn’t stay with Dr. McCoy long enough to determine whether or not his intervention was a success. He simply returned to the guest quarters.


	8. They Will Light My Way Tonight

All he knew was that he was warm.

Not much else made sense. Confusion, it was something he wasn’t familiar with. His heart pounded in his side as his eyes darted around the room, trying desperately to make sense of his surroundings.

“Spock,” a familiar voice gasped. His spouse, James Kirk, perched himself on the edge of the bed he was tucked into, grasping his hand tightly.

Spock briefly surveyed the gold vest and sash. He recalled slipping into nothingness as this man clutched him tightly. “Jim,” he rasped. He still tried to make sense of where he was and how he got there.

“Spock, you were injured very badly but now you’re in sickbay. You lost a lot of blood but you’re going to be all right.” As he looked up at the transfusion that hung above him Kirk continued, “What’s the last thing you remember?”

Spock dug into his memory. “I remember being in engineering… The ship…” Panic began to set in.

“Is out of danger. You saved the ship… And the entire crew.”

He relaxed, Kirk gently climbed into bed with him, effectively mitigating any confusion or anxiety he had felt. Kirk kissed the back of his hand before leaning forward for a gentle kiss.

Spock awoke in the guest quarters of the Enterprise that was so much like his flagship but nothing like it at all. As soon as he woke up he reached into an inner pocket and retrieved a medal of honor he’d received after his defeat of Khan Noonien Singh.

Spock held the medal in his hand and gazed at it. Not only did he carry it because of what an honor it was to have received it, but because his husband had ordered it rendered using the metal from the dagger that had nearly ended his life. He would never forget how devoted this man was to him.

Meanwhile in another part of the ship Admiral Kirk rose from what probably was the most sleep he’d gotten since the loss of his husband. He had still slept with Spock’s pillow tucked tightly next to him. Once he was out of bed he gazed over pictures he had hung of himself and Spock. He briefly stroked Spock’s uniform where it still sat folded on the shelf before he prepared himself for another day.

Within an hour the corridor between universes would be open long enough to beam the last of the crew from the other universe. Fleet Admiral Spock knelt in meditation, preparing himself for the return to his own universe.

Spock was interrupted when the door chime sounded. “Come,” he whispered.

The door slid open and Admiral Kirk quietly stepped in. Spock quickly stood up and greeted, “Admiral Kirk.”

“Admiral Spock,” Kirk replied. “I thought since you’re going back to your universe today I’d come by and see how you are.”

“I am functional, Admiral. Though the prospect of returning to my universe knowing my husband is dead is distressing.”

Jim frowned and nodded, “I understand. I’m dreading going back to Earth because my apartment is exactly as I left it when Spock and I left for the training mission. Worse yet, I’m going to have to face Sarek.”

“I understand. Although in this universe he may be less fearsome than my own Father is.” Spock paused, “My officer suggested that I should remain in this universe because you are alive. Or allow you to return to my universe with me.”

“Spock, as hard as it is having lost my husband, I’m dubious of such a suggestion.”

Spock nodded in agreement. “The suggestion does not come without temptation. As much as I would wish to have any version of Jim available to me I do not think it would be fair to either of us. We have both lost our husbands, and while we are both similar to the ones we have lost we are different people. Also to be considered is that there are people in both universes whose lives have been affected by the deaths of our husbands. The loss of either of us would only exacerbate that loss. The absence of one of us in any universe is enough.”

“You’re a logical man in any universe.”

“Why thank you Jim.” The corners of Spock’s lips curved upward slightly.

Kirk glanced around. “Where is your officer?”

“I believe you should know. Mr. Scott was able to beam back my chemist exactly one hour ago. He would have told you personally however I believe you have pre-empted him. It will be about twenty point two minutes before the corridor is open again.”

“That’s good to hear that Lt. Stevens is home.” Kirk grinned stiffly. “You know Spock, I’ve been so wrapped up in my own misery over the loss of my husband I never thought to ask how you’re doing with the loss of yours.”

Spock looked up at the face that was so familiar yet a complete mystery to him. Although he knew this man was not his husband he had a hard time refusing him. “I am in great difficulty over the loss of my husband. I find myself at times feeling anger toward his assassins, regret for the circumstances of his death, regret for the time we will not have together. Mostly I regret that I was absent when he died. I had resolved that when the time came I would do everything in my power to assure that I was with him and would mitigate his pain and anguish.”

“I understand.” Kirk bit his lower lip. “I’d have done anything to have held Spock as he slipped away. But after how much radiation he’d been exposed to when he handled the warp core had he been alive when the decontamination was over he probably would have lived another two days in an unthinkable amount of pain between seizures. I don’t consider that an equitable trade.”

Spock shook his head and looked down. “I must agree.”

“Spock, when you get back to your universe are you…”

“I plan to bury my husband on Argelius provided he has not been buried already. It was our favorite place to take shore leave and in time I shall join him there. I find I am having difficulty finding closure. I believe that once I return to my universe I may be able to gain a sense of closure.”

“Spock, I’m so sorry.”

“First, I must handle those responsible. Psionic abilities allow the wrath of Vulcans to be feared throughout the galaxy.”

“It’s your right as his husband.” Kirk nodded, “If I had been able to I’d have killed Khan with my own two hands for Spock’s death. There’s no need though. Khan intended on killing himself with our entire crew and Spock got the last laugh when he saved the ship.”

“Most logical, from what I’ve heard of him he was a man of integrity.”

“Thank you. The thought of an entire ship of cadets getting killed on their first training mission is unconscionable. All those kids are alive because of the sacrifice Spock made.” Kirk looked up at Spock and smiled. “One of the cadets who was in engineering when Spock repaired the warp core told me that since Spock died for them he would do everything not to let him down.”

“A most logical resolve and a flawless sense of duty.” Spock looked at Kirk. “You seem in better spirits today. How are you?”

“I’m a little better today. I’m still crushed but for the first time since Spock died it wasn’t a struggle just to get out of bed. I’ve lost people before and I know eventually I’ll have more good days than bad days. Eventually, though not in the near future I might start dating again. Even if I do Spock will always be the only love of my life and I’ll always love him and miss him. It’s just hard getting used to a new normal. On a better note after Spock’s funeral my son and I made amends. He hated and resented me his entire life because I was absent.”

Spock raised an eyebrow and nodded. “It is fortunate that you and your son have made amends. Regarding your feelings, I have felt the same emotions. And although I may in time find another partner they will never compare to my Jim. I will always regret his loss. In our universe the more sentimental humans insist that we are misguided when we say that grief is like a tunnel we will get through. It is like a heavy weight we must carry. Some days it will be manageable, others unbearable, but likewise we must carry it.”

“That makes sense. Spock if I may, I know you told me your husband had suffered a lot of loss but does he have any living relatives?”

“No, he does not. May I inquire as to who the mother of your son is?”

“A scientist named Carol Marcus, a paramour from my youth. She and my son engineered the Genesis Device. She didn’t want me to be a part of his life and I did what she asked. I’ve regretted it ever since.” When Spock’s eyebrows shot up Kirk continued, “Was your husband acquainted with her?”

Spock nodded. “Neither of us have seen her in over twenty years. In recent years she spearheaded development of the doomsday weapon known as the Tenth Plague. I am certain that even to this day given the opportunity to assassinate me with impunity she would do so. Our daughter would be happy to assist.”

Kirk’s eyes widened. “You have a daughter.”

Spock nodded. “You insist your son has been in difficulty because of your absence. In my universe before the revolution hybrids were reviled and had very little standing in any society; the children of hybrids even less. Her mother forbade me to see her and while I could have insisted I made no effort. I am uncertain what effect I could have had on her life. There is a high probability my presence would have served only to groom her to be a tyrant as I was in her youth.”

Kirk shook his head. “Had I raised David he might have the same flaws I do. I can’t judge you for your assumption but I must ask is there any chance she could have benefitted from your presence? If you’re anything like my Spock…”

“Jim, your late husband and myself are essentially the same person but we are very different. Just as my late husband and you share many qualities you are very different. May I ask you a question?”

Kirk nodded.

“The last time I spoke with you in length you relayed to me that your husband risked his life and safety during an attack by a Romulan vessel to save a lieutenant who’d insulted him for being Vulcan. Was this man’s name Stiles?”

Kirk’s eyes widened, “Yes, his name was Stiles. Another lieutenant passed away in the phaser room because Spock couldn’t get him out in time. His name was Tomlinson. He was to be married that day.”

Spock looked at the floor momentarily. “We were attacked by Romulans who invaded our neutral zone. Our phasers failed due to a coolant leak. Stiles was manning the weapons console with Tomlinson. Stiles harassed me with derogatory remarks regarding Vulcans. When the phaser coolant leaked I was nearby. I recovered Tomlinson first and resuscitated him before recovering Stiles. Tomlinson survived, Stiles did not. We did, however, defeat the Romulans. Tomlinson married, and is now a starship captain. As I noted, your husband and I are different.”

Kirk sighed. “I always wondered how different things would have been if Tomlinson had survived. Stiles survived but I held him accountable for Tomlinson’s death. Spock offered to help them at the weapons console and he insulted and dismissed him because he was a Vulcan. Had he accepted Spock’s help Tomlinson wouldn’t have died. He realized how wrong he’d been but I couldn’t let that slide so I demoted him. He resigned his commission later that year.”

“Most unfortunate regarding Tomlinson. If I may, in spite of the unfortunate outcome your husband showed great character in saving a man who hated him for his heritage. His actions regarding Stiles reflect his selflessness and his respect for life. He died to uphold those beliefs.” Spock looked up at the clock. “It is not my intention to take my leave of you, but my time is growing short.”

“So it is.” Kirk nodded. Just then the bosun whistle sounded followed by the sound of Scotty’s voice saying Spock would be needed shortly in the transporter room. Once Kirk assured Scotty they were on their way he turned back to Spock. “If you don’t mind I’ll walk you to the transporter room.”

“I would be amenable to such a suggestion.”

As they slowly approached the transporter room Spock explained, “Jim, you have expressed regret for your inability to hold your husband as he was dying. If he is anything like me your presence in his final moments was more than sufficient, regardless of your inability to touch him.”

“Thank you Spock. I hope you know if your Jim is anything like me then he knew you coming for him as soon as he was injured. You were probably the last thing on his mind.”

“Thank you Jim.”

“Spock, if you don’t mind me saying so, I think once you get back you should try to contact your daughter. Or at least find out about her. I’d like to believe if I can make amends with my son maybe your daughter could make amends with you.”

“If I find that she will not forgive me, it will have been a wasted effort.”

“But at least you’ll know.”

Spock raised an eyebrow and nodded. “I shall consider it.”

Kirk grinned stiffly as they arrived at the door to the transporter room. Kirk and Spock both looked at each other, both knowing they may never see the face in front of them again. Reluctantly they both gently wrapped their arms around each other in one last embrace. Both men pulled the other in tighter, craving an embrace they both thought they’d never feel again. Kirk buried his face in the familiar shoulder and sobbed uncontrollably.

When they broke the embrace Spock’s eyes had welled up with tears as well. He looked at the man that looked so much like his fallen companion and rasped, “There is not much time.”

Kirk nodded in agreement. Slowly he walked Spock into the transporter room. Scotty and Commander Kyle were at the control panel already waiting. Scotty announced, “Ready in thirty seconds, Admiral, Mr. Spock.”

Spock turned to Scotty, “Thank you Mr. Scott.” As Spock stepped onto the transporter platform Kirk stepped up to the platform and stood directly in front of him.

“Spock,” Kirk whispered.

“Yes Jim,” he replied.

“It’s… Comforting to know you’re alive in some universe if not in this one.”

“Thank you Admiral. I hope you know that the same is true for you.” Spock held his hand up in the Vulcan salute. “Live long and prosper, Jim.”

Kirk returned the gesture. “Peace and long life.”

Scotty’s voice cut in, “Energizing.”

The transporter beam lit up and soon enough Spock was enveloped by the shimmer. Kirk and Spock both watched as the other faded in the beam, both watching a face they knew they would never see again.

As soon as Admiral Kirk faded from view Spock looked around to find himself back aboard his flagship. Several of his crewmen including Captain Scott and Commanders Kyle and Rand stood at the control panel astonished.

Although he was relieved to be back in his universe he frowned deeply knowing he was returning to a universe without his love. Spock knew he would struggle with the loss of his Jim, but he would ensure his wrath upon those responsible, mourn him effectively and hopefully find a sense of closure.

“Admiral,” Captain Scott gasped. “Where the hell have you been? We thought you were dead.”

“I was unable to be beamed back into our universe due to a narrowing in the corridor between the two universes. The crew of the other Enterprise was most vigilant about finding a way to return me here.”

“I’d sure like to hear about it over an old bottle of scotch whiskey.”

“In time, I will discuss the circumstances with you.”

Just then Dr. McCoy and Dr. Chapel came running into the transporter room. As soon as Dr. McCoy laid eyes on Spock he almost gleefully exclaimed, “Well so help me, I’m actually glad to see you.”

Not knowing if the remark was sincere or sarcasm Spock glared at him angrily. “You are aware of the circumstances which required myself and the scientists to beam up during an ion storm. Have the guilty parties been dealt with?”

“Admiral, we dealt with Decker and his Deltan bitch before we even knew you were lost in the transporter beam,” Captain Scott explained. “Little bastard and his bald whore. They’re both where they should be.”

“They’re shaking hands with Satan, Spock,” Dr. McCoy added.

“It is regrettable that I did not have the opportunity to confront them first,” Spock sneered. “They might have found a fearsome deity preferable.”

“We’re aware of that Admiral. But with all due respect sir, we couldn’t risk having those two around lest someone else end up dead,” Scott added.

Spock nodded. “Understood.”

“Admiral, you’ve been in another universe for the better part of the week. I’m going to need you to report to sickbay,” Dr. McCoy added.

Spock once again glared at Dr. McCoy however he replied, “Very well.”

Spock loathed to be examined by any doctor but he couldn’t find it in himself to put up a fight. He felt the kind of pain his late husband’s counterpart had described when talking about his grief for his Spock. He thought it logical to ask Dr. McCoy for an anti-depressant.

Spock expected Dr. McCoy to lead him to triage for an examination but instead he led Spock through his office into intensive care. As soon as he walked through the door of the sickbay Spock stopped dead in his tracks. Lying in the bed closest to the doctor’s office was his Kirk resting and alive.

Spock eyes widened and he gasped in disbelief, “How could this be?”

“While you were lost in the transporter beam I tried this experimental Lazarus drug that was developed for use in resuscitation. I didn’t even think it would work but we had nothing to lose by trying. What’s deader than dead?”

Spock slowly stepped up to the side of the bed and surveyed his husband. Kirk was asleep in the white and orange sickbay pajamas, his chest and arms riddled with the lines and leads of intensive care intervention.

“Did I tell you about the Lazarus drug?”

“You did not.”

“It was developed by a young pharmacologist I met a couple of weeks back by the name of Dr. Delilah Marcus. She’s a pretty little thing with black hair and pointed ears willing to spot me some of her experimental drugs since I do directly serve the Fleet Admiral.”

Spock looked at Dr. McCoy, eyes wide in disbelief.

“I think it’s high time you should get in contact with her. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind hearing from you.”

“I shall as soon as I am able.”

Dr. McCoy smiled. “This whole thing almost makes me believe in luck.”

“I am almost inclined to believe in the human concept of miracles,” Spock gasped in amazement and vindication. He turned back to Dr. McCoy, “Will Jim survive?”

“Jim’s had a rough couple of days. I managed to get him off the ventilator for the third time last night and I’m hoping he won’t have to go back on it. For now he’s stable but he’s still critical. You’ve got to remember Jim is a 50 year old human so it’ll take a while for him to recover. He’s in a lot of pain and he’s in and out so be careful with him. He hasn’t heard anything about your away team since you all got lost. As far as he knows, you’re dead.”

Spock carefully sat down on the edge of the bed and looked at Kirk’s face. He face was crossed with the remnants of a couple of scratches while an oxygen mask covered his nose and mouth. Spock took Kirk’s hand. With his other hand he reached out and tenderly stroked Kirk’s exposed cheek. He whispered, “Jim.”

Kirk struggled to open his eyes but as soon as he saw Spock his face lit up. “Spock,” he rasped. “You’re alive.”

Dr. McCoy noticed Kirk’s pain level fell and all of his vital signs normalized at the sight of his mate. “I’ll leave you two alone,” Dr. McCoy whispered as he left the room.

Kirk raised his weak hand to Spock’s face and cupped his cheek. Instead of withdrawing Spock reached up and laid his hand over Kirk’s. He nuzzled into the touch and kissed the palm of Kirk’s hand.

With his free hand he pulled off the oxygen mask. “They told me you died, where have you been? Are you hurt?”

“A transporter malfunction deposited me into the other universe. I can assure you, I was in no danger.” Spock’s eyes filled with tears. Elated over seeing his lost husband alive he gently stroked the front of the sickbay pajamas.

“I like sickbay pajamas better on you,” Kirk added. “Of course I like them even better off of you.”

In the privacy of the back of the sickbay Spock smiled widely at Kirk’s remark. “While I was in the other universe I believed you to be dead.”

“Decker and his bald whore tried. Glad Bones had that Lazarus drug.”

“It is fortuitous Jim, in several ways.”

“While you were in the other universe, did you see our counterparts?”

“I did.”

“How are they?”

“We will have plenty of time to discuss it after you are fully recovered and discharged from sickbay.”

“All right. Once I’m out of sickbay you’ll need to take a shower for rules and regulations.”

“Jim, what purpose would that serve?”

“You be rules, I’ll be regulations.”

“I would be amenable to such a suggestion.”

Kirk smiled. “They said you’d died, and I didn’t know what to do. I love you so much.” After Kirk coughed Spock reached up and put the mask back on his face.

Spock carefully laid his head on Kirk’s chest making sure not to upset his still healing wounds. “I love you too. Jim, you must live.”

After Spock removed his boots and coat he carefully slipped into bed next to Kirk. Kirk removed the oxygen mask briefly so he could kiss Spock’s lips.

“Spock, I need you more than you could know. Don’t leave me.”

“I will not leave you. Go back to sleep.”

Kirk reached up and stroked Spock’s hair before he acquiesced and eased back into sleep in the arms of the only person he’d ever loved. Spock held him close and stroked his face as he slept. He gently kissed his forehead still in disbelief not only of the fact that Kirk had survived his injuries, but through all odds they’d been reunited. After astronomic cataclysms they were the only place they should be, in any universe.

Spock knew hope was illogical. He had to hope that the Kirk in the other universe could be reunited with his Spock. As he held close and carefully guarded the man he thought he would never see again he had to believe there was a chance.

* * *

The unbearable heat sucked the air from his lungs as the radiation leeched the life out of him. He steeled himself and tried to ignore everything but the task at hand. His entire body felt as if it was on fire, his head pounded, and his eyes stung. He pulled the head off the pedestal causing a blow of radioactive gas to blow in his face. He reached in and made the repair.

The task was complete. Through the radiation gloves his hands were left burned. His head felt as if it was about to explode and he blinked his eyes but to no avail, he had been blinded. There was a fleeting sense of vindication before his body could take no more. He collapsed.

He knew he wouldn’t be rescued. Even if he could have been rescued no medical technology could save him. He knew he was going to die in minutes and he was terrified, even though he was completely unfamiliar with the emotion. It wouldn’t have been as painful if he could only hear one voice one last time.

But he did hear that voice.

He awoke in his room of his family home on Vulcan to the subtle sound of movement. It startled him. His eyes darted around the room as his heart pounded in his side. Jim crouched down in front of him and cupped his face with his hand, “Spock, it’s all right, you were just having a nightmare.”

Spock tried to assess the situation but as his memory slowly returned he found the gentle touch from the man in front of him was effective at easing his terror.

Barely an hour earlier Jim stood in the living room with his mother in law.

It was past dusk on the planet Vulcan. Amanda Grayson stepped into the living room with a pair of teacups and a teapot. She poured two cups of tea and handed one to Jim.

“It wouldn’t be right if I didn’t tell you that all of us appreciate your hospitality,” Jim thanked. “You’ve been very lovely to all of us.”

“James, the six of you risked everything to return my son to us. It’s the least we can do for you while you’re here on Vulcan,” Amanda replied. “We are indebted to you.”

“I’m not sure how I got along for this long without Spock. Losing him was like losing half of myself.” He looked up at Amanda. “It probably doesn’t compare to losing your child.”

“Sarek and I were crushed when we got the word from Starfleet. But Sarek immediately knew what to do and who to contact. We were just concerned about the success of such a ritual.”

“I’d like to know if he’s going to be all right.”

“The Masters assured Sarek that the fal tor pan was a success. It’ll take time for Spock to convalesce. It’s not unprecedented; humans that are severely injured or become critically sick do take time to recover from their injuries.”

“That makes sense. I’ll admit it worried me when Spock looked at me and he didn’t seem sure of who I was. Don’t get the wrong idea, I’m thrilled that he’s alive I just hope he hasn’t forgotten about me.”

“James, you’re his bondmate. It’s very unlikely he forgot anything about you. When I was a college professor I taught classes in Vulcan history. Vulcans who’ve been restored through the fal tor pan need time for their memories and knowledge to return.”

“Kind of like an amnesia patient.”

“More like a self-aware, self-reliant newborn. Have patience with him. Spock is going to need you more than he’s needed anyone in his life.”

Kirk smiled widely before he looked out the window to the Vulcan horizon. He took a sip of his tea. “Amanda may I ask you something?”

“Of course, anything.”

“I always wondered what Sarek thought of the fact that Spock bonded with a human, and a male human at that. I know you were always happy for us, but I would have thought that Sarek would logically want him to bond with a Vulcan. And a female one at that.”

“Quite the contrary, Sarek considers himself fortunate among Vulcan fathers. We’re both pleased that Spock has somebody who accepts him for the unique being he is. Sarek acknowledged how illogical it was for you to sacrifice so much to return his son to him.”

“I’m the one who’s fortunate. How many people who lose their spouses get them back?”

“Given how much it cost you, I can’t overstate how grateful Sarek and I are. I try not to imagine what the loss of your ship and your son has done to you.”

Kirk looked down and tried to fake a smile. “As sentimental as I was about the Enterprise, it was just a half a million tons of metal. As for David…” He paused and covered his mouth with his hand. “The Klingons were willing to do anything to get their hands on Genesis. David violated numerous codes of ethics when he created Genesis. He paid with his life.”

“Saavik told me that the Klingons had intended on killing her but David attacked them before they could hurt her. David died so Saavik wouldn’t have to.”

His eyes went wide. “I was not aware of that.”

“David definitely inherited some hubris and a certain disregard for rules from you. But he gave up everything for the person he loved. That’s a trait he certainly inherited from you.”

“Thank you.” Kirk’s eyes became misty. “I’ll have to make sure I stay in contact with Saavik. The love David gave up his life for.”

Amanda smiled. “He had something else in common with you.”

Kirk looked at her searching.

“He likes Vulcans.”

Kirk smiled. “I assume you understand. You know the appeal Vulcans have. Not only the logic and the calm but they’re so, enigmatic.”

“I understand totally. I too have always been captivated by Vulcans. When I married Sarek my sister was concerned about me being married to a person who was completely logical and unemotional. During hard times I find Sarek’s calm to be quite beneficial.”

“I’ve relied on Spock more than I could begin to describe for as long as I’ve known him. His intelligence and his insight.”

“He takes after his father. They both…” Amanda paused as she looked out the window.

Kirk turned to look at what Amanda was looking at. In the courtyard Sarek carefully shepherded Spock back to the house. Spock’s hood obscured his face but he held his head low.

As soon as both figures disappeared into the house Kirk noted, “They’re back early. Something must be up.”

Amanda gestured toward the empty teacup in Kirk’s hand and said, “I’ll take care of this. You go see what’s going on.”

Before Amanda could even take the cup from Kirk Sarek stepped into the room and nodded toward each of them respectively, “Amanda, Admiral Kirk.” He approached Amanda and held his fingers out to her.

Amanda returned the show of affection before noting, “You and Spock are back early. Is everything all right?”

“Everything is adequate for the time being,” Sarek explained. “The healers and I believe Spock is in difficulty due to his recent trauma. It is a condition not uncommon in humans or Vulcans.”

“Will he be all right?” Amanda asked.

“I’ve been assured that in time he will recover. The healers have stated that as more of his memory returns his control of his emotions will return. As well as the resolve he had that compelled him to sacrifice himself for his crew.” Sarek turned to Kirk. “Admiral, I realize I was in error in allowing him to attend retraining in your absence. You are his spouse and his stability during times of illness does necessitate your support and reassurance. The healers assured me that your presence would help to mitigate his anxiety. I must ask that when he attends his retraining that you accompany him.”

“I will gladly go with him. Will anyone object to me being there?”

“You are Spock’s husband, they will not object to your presence, it is his right.”

“Where is he now?”

“Spock was exhausted and I insisted he try to rest. He wished to come and retrieve you but I assured him that I would. Right now Spock is experiencing some emotional distress. He is in need of you, I must ask that you attend to him.”

“You don’t even need to ask,” Kirk smiled. “I better turn in for the night.”

Amanda and Sarek nodded as he quietly made his way to Spock’s room. He quietly tiptoed into the room to see Spock asleep, curled up on his side facing away from the door. The genesis planet may have regenerated Spock and made it easier to restore him to life, but it had other side effects. The acuity of his senses had been restored to near perfect.

Kirk immediately noticed Spock was curled on his side with his knees slightly drawn up and his body stiff as a board. As his bondmate he recognized signs of a fitful sleep when he saw it. He tried to quietly get ready for bed without disturbing Spock but it was futile. Spock awoke startled and his eyes darted around the room.

Kirk bent down in front of him and cupped his cheek with his hand. He reassured him, “Spock, it’s all right, you were just having a nightmare.”

Kirk gently stroked his face which helped to sublimate some of the fear and anxiety but not all of it. Unable to control the emotion Spock found himself reaching out and taking Kirk’s other hand. “Jim,” he rasped.

Kirk removed his hand from Spock’s face and clasped Spock’s hand with both of his. As soon as he did so a faint suggestion of a memory surfaced. Jim had held his hand like this in sickbay after he’d been injured by a machine. The contact put him at ease.

“I’d have awful nightmares too if I’d been through what you’ve been through.” Kirk took a step back and began to undress. As soon as Kirk let go of his hand the anxiety and terror began to creep back. His eyes followed him as he quickly stripped down to his undergarments and climbed into bed next to him.

Kirk eased his way into the bed with him and laid on his back encouraging Spock to curl up to him. Spock laid his head on Kirk’s chest. Kirk must have sensed his distress so he stroked his hair and whispered into a pointed ear, “It’s okay Spock, I’ve got you.”

Kirk’s body contact and gentle caresses helped to ablate most of Spock’s anxiety. Spock looked up at him and he gently kissed his forehead. He gently stroked him and whispered, “I don’t know how I managed so long without you.”

In Kirk’s warm embrace he felt the rest of his anxiety and terror leave him. As Spock eased into sleep Kirk continually stroked his face and ears. He rested his cheek against Spock’s forehead and whispered, “I love you.”

Kirk stayed awake briefly watching Spock for signs of distress but Spock seemed peaceful and at ease. Kirk gazed at him and held him tighter. He kissed Spock’s forehead, nuzzling into the dark hair. “You make me believe in miracles.”

Kirk’s hand slipped down Spock’s side until it rested over his heart. Kirk could feel the animated beating of the Vulcan heart. Kirk thought he would never feel this again and he admitted to himself he’d never known this degree of vindication and resolve. After watching his husband die; after seeing him buried in space, he was alive, safe and warm.

As he followed his husband into sleep his thoughts traveled to a man who was so similar to his mate but so different. He hoped that wherever he was and whatever he was doing that no matter what he would find peace.


End file.
